Q. Lately, because of debates about intelligent design and evolution, I’ve been hearing a lot about scientific theories. A very religious friend of mine said evolution was only a theory, and it had yet to be proven. Another friend of mine, who teaches high school science, said gravity was a theory, too, and we are pretty sure about that. I thought I remembered hearing something about gravity being governed by Newton’s Law, though, so I’m very confused. How sure are we about evolution, and what does its status as a theory really mean?

A. You’re right: gravity used to be considered law during the Enlightenment, and it got downgraded to a theory by Einstein—mostly because he was theorizing about things like quantum gravity, and other sneaky ways of getting around Newton’s laws. I wouldn’t worry about falling off the earth, though. You’re unlikely to be affected by those sneaky ways in your everyday life. It’s just that the more we figure out about the universe, the more exceptions we can think of to a given law, and the more we discover we may not know. Consequently, we’ve become a bit more skittish about calling something a law than, say, the scientists of the Enlightenment were. Hence Newton’s law, but Einstein’s calling gravity a theory.
As far as evolution goes, gravity is a reasonable comparison: we are about as sure of it as we are that we probably won’t fall off the earth and go whizzing into space, or smack into Heaven, or whatever.
What makes this debate difficult is that it has absolutely nothing to do with scientific accuracy or proof. It has to do with the nature of faith. You see, the depth of people’s religious faith is often measured in how much they are willing to trust what they are told by their religious leaders. They will consider “sticking to their guns” to be a success—not determining whether or not something can be proven with evidence, objectively replicated and successfully peer reviewed. The more compelling the evidence with which they are presented, the greater the test of their faith, and the greater their victories for ignoring that evidence in favor of believing what they already believe.
With science, on the other hand, a negative result yields useful information, too. A “no” answer to a scientific question is considered valuable, just as a “yes” answer confirming the researcher’s hypothesis is. So if we were to find out that evolution was merely a hoax perpetrated by evil mutant robot scientists like Charles “Birdbeard” Darwin, that would be extremely useful information, and scientific theory would be revised accordingly.

Q. I’ve done something stupid. [Nice. I don’t usually get anyone coming right out and saying it. How refreshing! Anyway, to continue…] I have a friend, another guy, who is OK in small doses, but kinda hard to be around for hours on end, multiple times a week. I used to see him every once in a while when we were on the company softball team, and that was great. He’s also the boss’ son, so being friends with him has been really helpful to my career. A few months ago, though, he moved into my apartment building and he was spending an inordinate amount of time at my place, where I couldn’t get away from him, and it was crazymaking! Sometimes I wished I could just push him out the window. But I’m sure I’d get fired for that, even if I could somehow make it look like he jumped.
Something you said on a broadcast a while back got me thinking. I thought, what if I hit on him? I was sure he wasn’t gay, so I was pretty sure that would make him uncomfortable enough not to be around me so much, at least for a little while. So I did that. That was the stupid thing I did.
It was stupid because he gave me this whole speech about how he wasn’t really gay, but he’d always been a little curious about me and it was really confusing for him, and that’s why he’s been around me so much. In the last week, he has also started buying me expensive gifts, which are nice in themselves, but he actually wants me to be his first gay experience, and now being around him is intolerable! I am NOT gay! Even if I were, I wouldn’t want to have sex with him. I can’t fake it, but I also can’t tell him why I made up that ruse in the first place. I’d lose a friend, access to his season football tickets, and maybe even my job. Although I’m beginning to think that would be a small price to pay if keeping those things meant I had to have sex with him. I hope to God he hasn’t told his father—or anyone else, for that matter—about “us.”
Please, please, PLEASE, I’m begging you, help me out!

A. Well, you have a few things that are really working in your favor here. First, you’re willing to make sacrifices to solve your problem. Too many people have difficult problems but want these easy solutions that require no sacrifice at all. The world doesn’t work that way. So, good for you. You are also ready to admit that you made a mistake, and that kind of confession always takes the burden off a troubled soul, you know? It seems like you may also have a little bit of time—at least a few days or maybe a week or so. You basically have everything you need to get out of this mess.
First, you’ll want to find the birth certificate of someone about your age, who died in childhood. This is easier to do than you might think, because it’s a matter of public record. Next, take that birth certificate to the DMV and get an ID with that person’s name on it and your picture. Also, get that person a Social Security number, because that will be important later.
Next, go to a bank across town and open an account. If you’re close to a state border, even better—go across the border and do it there. It doesn’t have to be at a particularly good bank, or one that gives you a toaster for opening a new account, or even really solvent—it just has to stay open for a few weeks and give you back your money when you ask for it. Once that’s all done, move your money over there, and put any belongings you really care about into storage under the new name, ideally somewhere near the bank.
The next part is the tricky part. If you just disappear, your would-be lover will probably look for you, so you have to make that very unappealing. I would recommend leaving an note behind saying that the mob is after you and you have to disappear for a while, and not to try to contact you. You can also leave behind a suicide note, of course, or try the down-the-manhole exploding car trick I detailed in the December 2007 broadcast. It doesn’t really matter, as long as it offers a compelling reason not to try to follow you: you’re already dead (which, in a way, you will be), following you will bring too much risk on him, you’re crazy… Whatever works. Then, simply head out of town, go to the bank and the storage locker on the way, and start your exciting new life.
This will leave you free to start a new life in the location of your choice, and isn’t that what we all wish we had? A happy side benefit of this plan is that you can leave your debts with your old identity, too, along with old girlfriends and anything else. Enjoy your newfound freedom!
Or you could just tell him you already have a boyfriend.

Q. I was in a very bad car accident about two months ago. Miraculously, I had only minor injuries and was able to walk away, but my car was totaled. Since then, it seems all I can think about his how close I came to being killed, and how fragile life is. When I think about how I’m going to die one day, whether I have another car accident or not, I get so nervous it’s hard to breathe. Some days, I’m afraid to cross the street if I’m not in a big crowd of other people. I think it’s possible I’m afraid of death or dying, but given that death is inevitable, how do I get over my fear?

A. Well, common methods of conquering fears tend to involve confronting them. With a fear of heights, for example, you would start by getting up on something relatively low, like a step or a chair, and looking down, until you felt comfortable doing that. Then, you would move to things like ladders or low roofs. Eventually, by working your way up to confronting the larger fears, you would do away with them entirely.
Since this is a proven method with a good track record, it may very well be the best for confronting your particular fear as well. You may want to start small, by, say, thinking about how you would like to die if you could choose the method, or attending a funeral. Once that sort of thing no longer upsets you, if you live in a state where the County Coroner is an elected official, citizens can often make appointments to visit the coroner’s office and observe what kinds of things happen there. You might spend some time at the morgue, at funeral homes, or at hospitals with poor service ratings.
Since your fear is specifically about your own mortality, though, you will eventually need to face that head-on, or your preoccupation with death may well distract you from living the rest of your life. I would encourage you to try things like rock climbing, skydiving, bungee jumping, and the like. Once you master that kind of thing, you will be ready to face down more direct threats to your life in less controlled environments: finding and confronting bears in the wild, for example, or driving briskly in the Country Buffet parking lot after the Early Bird Special has just ended.
The important thing to remember is that you must confront your fears to get past them. The better you can do that, the more effective this proven therapy will be.

Q. I was recently helping my daughter with her English homework, and I was totally baffled by this one term. Since I know you like grammar questions, I shall ask you. What is a gerund?

A. First of all, nice use of “shall.” Somebody was paying attention to our last broadcast!
Quite simply, a gerund is a verb ending in “-ing” that is being used as a noun. For example, if I were to say, “She is no longer waxing her upper lip or shoulder blades,” “waxing” is just a regular old verb. “She” is the subject of the sentence. However, if I were to say, “Waxing her upper lip takes some of the uncertainty out of calling her ‘ma’am,’” then “waxing” is the subject of the sentence, and it’s also being used as a noun. “Waxing” in this case is a thing, a practice, an idea—and therefore, a gerund.

Q. I am a college student, and I’m in a sorority where a lot of my sisters have tattoos. This year, during Spring Break, we all went to the same resort, and four of them got tattoos, including the only other one of my sisters who didn’t have one before. I know I shouldn’t give in to peer pressure, and that a tattoo is going to be on my body forever, so I shouldn’t listen to people who aren’t going to have to live with my choice. I want to fit in with the rest of the sorority, but I’m not so sure I want a permanent mark on my body that will last the rest of my life. What if I don’t like it anymore in another five years, or twenty, or fifty? Worse, what if it hurts too much and I have to stop in the middle? I don’t want people to think I was too much of a baby to even finish the design.

A. Well, you are certainly right to make this decision carefully. If you feel you really have made a terrible mistake later, though, there is always laser removal (although it can leave a scar), or easier, adding to or changing the design. It is also possible to finish the design when you get up the nerve. The ink isn’t going anywhere.
I would say the larger question here is how to avoid getting a stupid tattoo. I mean, if you are seriously considering permanently marking your body for the acceptance of others, the last thing you want is for that marking to become hideously outdated. You might try selecting a truly classic design that you don’t think will ever go out of style. Those you can pick from the various sheets of paper on the walls of any reputable tattoo parlor: hearts, butterflies, snakes making their way through empty eye sockets, that sort of thing. You might also keep in mind that you may well still have this picture when you’re 50 years old, or 75, or older. Will that tribal armband tattoo you got when you were 20 still be recognizable then—both because people then may not remember those, and will wonder what it is, and because virtually any tattoo you get will end up lower and more melted-looking than it was when you got it? Will you want to wear a sleeveless dress to your son’s wedding, and will your tattoo cause you embarrassment with your new family and friends if you do that?
Therefore, this is my recommendation: consider a skull tattoo. Shave off part or all of your hair, and get your tattoo there. Not only will your sorority sisters and others be impressed with how “hard core” you are, but if you decide you no longer want to show the tattoo, you need only allow your hair to grow back. You can get it cut and styled conservatively, and barring any terrible head injuries or brain surgery, nobody ever need be the wiser. It’s like a little secret of your misspent youth. And these are the things that make us smile when we’re older. This way, you can enjoy yourself both now, and when your friends’ cute belly tattoos of Calvin and Hobbes look like they’ve already been picked up from the comic strip with Silly Putty.

Q. It seems that these days, kids’ parties are getting more complex and expensive all the time. Last year, my seven-year-old’s birthday party was almost as difficult to plan as my wedding. This year, for his eighth birthday, I’m supposed to outdo myself somehow. Part of me wants to just say the heck with it, and have a nice quiet birthday for my kid, with presents, cake, family and friends, maybe some balloons and streamers. Maybe if I take a stand about the outrageousness of ever more expensive theme parties for children, I won’t have to do this anymore, and neither will other parents. Plus, ideally it will keep all our kids from becoming spoiled birthday brats. I’m told that that’s not cool anymore, though, and that my son will be ostracized by his friends if his party isn’t more “awesome” even than last year. Any ideas?

A. Here’s an idea for you. One of the things that’s really big right now with kids’ parties is pirate themes. There’s a lot of room there for the requisite “awesomeness.” You can even stand out from other pirate parties by going for authenticity and using the time for some education. For example, what’s more “awesome” than serving authentic pirate food, like half-rotten (if scurvy-preventing) apples, jerky and heavily salted meats, sushi (or really any raw fresh fish), and the like. Drinks are easily taken care of as well: rum and grog. For once it will be acceptable for you to drink throughout a kids’ party, and they’ll finally be ready for naptime. Tell me that’s not a steamy treat. If that’s still not enough, I would recommend going to some garage sales and pawn shops and the like and finding some cutlasses or swords, or something that could pass for them. They could be part of a game, where whoever ends up with the most loot from the other children wins. A little creativity can go a long way here. If you don’t skimp on that, you can probably get away with skimping on the money and the party planner.

Q. What is the deal with the word, “shall?” I always thought it meant the same thing as “will,” but someone told me the other day that that wasn’t true—that it had different rules. Huh? Can you please clarify this?

A. Sure. These days, a lot of people think “shall” is just a fancier way to say “will,” but that’s not accurate. The person who tried to disillusion you the other day was correct: the main difference between “shall” and “will” is the rules of usage. “Shall” is supposed to be used only in the first person: “I shall” and “we shall.” “You,” “he,” “she,” “it,” and “they” are all “will.”

For example:
I shall poke you in the eye until you tell the truth.

But:
They will stick bamboo under your fingernails. We shall watch.

The exception is when there is a moral imperative or some other really forceful statement, in which case, the rule is reversed: “will” is used in the first person and the others are “shall.”

So, “They shall call you tomorrow” is incorrect, but “They shall call you tomorrow or die,” is fine.

However, since these rules of usage are largely forgotten these days, “will” is considered appropriate for all cases. If you’re going to use “shall,” though, at least you now have the rules to use it correctly.

Q. I have a law degree, a nice boyfriend, and a problem. My boyfriend has always been sweet to me, but recently, he’s started making some strange comments about my degree and education, as if at best, I should know everything, and at worst, I’m an insufferable know-it-all. We were out with another couple last week, and someone asked when Mother’s Day was this year. I said I wasn’t sure and started to look it up on the calendar in my purse, and my boyfriend launched into this incredulous sarcastic speech about how surprised he was that I didn’t know off the top of my head. Whenever someone asks a question in casual conversation, he interrupts to say, “You should ask Cheryl. She’s like a human Google.” I’ve started hanging back in conversations, trying not to offer so much without specifically being asked. I thought maybe I was talking more than I realized or making other people uncomfortable. That doesn’t seem to be the case, though—my friends have just been asking if something is wrong.
Now I’m wondering if something really is wrong. My boyfriend didn’t finish college. Do you think maybe he’s sensitive about that (and the fact that I have an advanced degree)? I’ve always thought he was very smart, but could it be bothering him that I have an intellectual job and he doesn’t? If he is having a problem with me in this way, do you think it might blow over, or is this how it’s going to be from here on out? I’ve tried talking to him, but he just says that if I don’t know already, I never will.

A. Oh, do I ever know what this feels like. You work so hard to answer everybody’s questions, no matter how stupid they are. If you can’t answer them, you suck. If you can, you’re some sort of an omniscient busybody. Then, heaven forefend you should have an answer that is not what they want to hear. They’ll go off about how you didn’t respond to their question, and you don’t really have any answers, and that you’re always just making things up. Of course you’re making up answers for them—that’s what giving advice is! Someone asks a question and you make up something to tell them. It’s called caring. When you care enough to come up with advice for someone, and you take the trouble to give it to them, they should really take it, ungrateful jerks! If you didn’t care, you could just give them some canned answer, like, “Hey, keep trying to talk to him.” Like anybody hasn’t heard that a million times before! You can come up with that yourself. Why bother asking anyone for advice at all if that’s all you want?! There is just no winning with some people.

Q. I wasn’t raised in a wealthy household, but I was raised to have habitually good manners, including putting my napkin on my lap when I eat. My new girlfriend was teasing me recently about putting my napkin on my lap at a local fast food place. She said it was cute how I do that, like I’m always at a fancy restaurant. I hadn’t noticed it before, but she pretty much only puts her napkin on her lap in fancy restaurants, and otherwise, just leaves it on the table and uses it intermittently from there. It is my understanding that it’s good manners to place one’s napkin on one’s lap regardless of the nature of the venue. I don’t want to make an issue out of it, because it’s not that important. I am puzzled, though. Was I just taught something that’s totally over the top with regard to etiquette, or is putting your napkin on your lap always simply good manners?

A. Oh goody: you know how I love the etiquette questions, and there are really two of them here, so thanks! First, yes, it is customary and proper to place one’s napkin on one’s lap, even if it is made out of the same paper as the person’s hat who served you. More importantly, though, let’s not forget what the essence of good etiquette is: making others comfortable. So it is the essence of good manners that, if your guest drinks his fingerbowl and then looks around the table nervously to see if he did the right thing because he’s never seen a fingerbowl in his life and thinks it’s weak soup or a disappointing olive-less cocktail, you by-God drink yours, too.
The key to your specific question is your girlfriend’s comfort level. If he’s not uncomfortable with your putting your napkin on your lap all the time, there’s no reason not to do it—just don’t correct him if he doesn’t do it, because it is always considered gauche to make your dining companion feel like a rube. Another approach would of course be to insist he take you to fancy restaurants more or less exclusively, where this issue presumably won’t come up.

Q. Last week, while I was at a local hotel, and I saw my mother coming out of a room in the arms of a much younger man—a man who was very obviously not my father. I think she is having an affair with him. I haven’t confronted her to find out for sure, though, because I don’t feel like I’m in a good position to do that. You see, I was also at the hotel with a man other than my husband, and I think my mother probably did see me. [Dr. Meg: My goodness, listener, what are the odds?] I’m also really nervous that she’ll blow the whistle on me or confront me first. What should I do? Should I tell my father, tell my husband, try to stop one or both of the affairs, confront my mother, or just remain silent about the whole thing?

A. Normally, I would say you should do what your conscience tells you is right, but that may not be an option for you. In your case, you may want to consult with your mother rather than confront her, and decide what to do together. If nothing else, perhaps you can get a better rate at the hotel if you book two rooms at a time.

Q. I think my child may be delayed. He is a cheerful toddler, but he barely says anything or attempts to walk on his own. I’ve taken him to the doctor, but the doctor says he’s still within the range of normalcy, and that it’s nothing to worry about. He doesn’t want to start conducting tests unless there’s some sort of real problem, but I’m afraid that if we wait that long, it will be too late to deal with whatever problem my son may be developing. Should I change doctors?

A. It sounds like the problem is not with your child, or with your doctor, but with your enduring fretfulness in the face of reasonable reassurance that everything is OK and relatively normal. Yes, you will need to consult another doctor. Not a different one for your child, though—one for yourself—and an M.D. rather than a Ph.D., because you will need to ask for a prescription. To prepare for your first meeting, view as many drug advertisements as possible, and decide which anti-anxiety product is the most appealing you. That way, you’ll have done your homework when it’s time to talk to your new doctor, and you can also ask questions. Doctors always appreciate knowledgeable patients who are up on what is available. Good luck!

Q. I recently started living with my boyfriend. It’s going pretty well, except for his friend who lives nearby. He comes over unannounced all the time, and once he gets into our apartment, he just won’t leave. I’m not even sure if he has a job. He’ll order pizza and expect us to pay for it because it’s our place, clip his nails and leave them in a little pile on the coffee table, and even when we tell him we’re going to bed at one in the morning, he still doesn’t get the hint that that means he should go. He wants to stick around and watch TV in our apartment while we’re sleeping, I guess. I think it’s pretty creepy.
My boyfriend says his friend is OK, just a little odd, and that it’s no big deal. But I’m a very private person anyway, and this is just so weird. When I’m home alone and he comes over, I just don’t open the door and I pretend not to be home, but my boyfriend is always glad to see him, even if he knows it’s going to be at least for the next 16 hours or so. I don’t think I can keep going along with it, though. I’m just really uncomfortable with the whole situation. I’m afraid my discomfort is starting to cause some strain on the relationship, and I want to stop that before it’s completely destroyed. How can I do that?

A. I have to say, these are fairly minor issues. I mean, this person isn’t trying to steal your boyfriend away from you and keep him for himself, he’s not disparaging you or your mother, he’s not peeling the paint off the walls with his own personal stench. Rather, this person’s major infraction is simply existing in your space, which he obviously finds pleasant. Have you tried asking him to put his nail clippings in the trash, pay for his own pizza, and go home? It’s possible that if you did that, he would, you know, put his nail clippings in the trash, pay for his own pizza, and go home. Then, if he didn’t, it would be his fault for being a bad guest and a jerk, and not your fault for being a poor hostess and passive-aggressive whiney person. You need to learn how to speak up about things that bother you instead of letting them ruin your relationships. How are people going to know when something bothers you if you talk to random radio lifecoaches about this stuff and don’t just tell the people who are bothering you that they’re bothering you? This really isn’t your boyfriend’s problem, or his friend’s—they’re fine—it’s yours. Handle it head-on already.

Q. I am a “junior”—that is, I have the same name as my bipolar father. That has been part of our roller-coaster ride of a relationship my whole life. When things are going well between us (usually when he’s taking medication and receiving therapy) I don’t mind a bit. Other times, when things aren’t going so well, I feel like I want to have my name legally changed so as not to be associated with him.
Most recently, my father used our name, but my social security number to get a credit card. I only found out about it because he had run up a bill of over $15,000 and stopped making payments, so the credit card company came after me. He pretty much destroyed my credit after destroying his own so badly he felt the need to help himself to mine.
Now I’m not sure what to do. Is what he did a crime, since we have the same name and we’re related? Is it identity theft or credit card fraud or something? Should I turn him in, or should I not do anything because of what it might do to my family?

A. Yes, what he did is a crime, and it could be considered both credit card fraud and identity theft. If you would just take a cue from Eastern spiritual philosophies and learn to look at your problems a little differently, though, you might learn to see them as being opportunities.
For example, your father’s behavior has intermittently been bothering you more or less your whole life. Now you finally have a valuable way to instruct his behavior. Collect all the evidence of your father’s criminal act in a folder so it’s ready to go. Offer him guidance about his behavior. If he takes your guidance well, wonderful. If he doesn’t, take the folder to the fraud division of your local police station and swear out a complaint. The worst thing that can possibly happen to your family is that your father will get mandatory medication and counseling as part of his sentencing, and that helps everybody. It’s also pretty much a win-win for you.

Q. I have been happily married for 15 years now, with 3 beautiful children. I also work, manage the kids’ after-school activities, deal with keeping the house clean and the family fed, and am active in various clubs and organizations, not to mention assisting in the care of my elderly mother. The upshot is, I’m really busy. Sometimes I feel like everybody wants a piece of me and there just aren’t enough pieces to go around.
Usually, we take a two-week family vacation every year. This has been an especially stressful year for me, though, and I really want to take just one of those two weeks’ vacation just by myself. My husband and other adults I’ve talked to seem to think that’s a strange thing to do, and potentially hostile to my family, but I would really like some me-time away from EVERYTHING so I can recharge my batteries a bit. Is it weird to take a vacation alone? Is there any way I can pull this off?

A. It sounds like all your problems stem from one thing: not being able to say no. At some point, you really have to stop being a doormat for everyone and start telling people that you have enough on your plate already. Why not start with asserting yourself about this? If your family or others give you a hard time about the idea of taking a vacation alone, let them do for themselves whatever you’ve been doing for them so you can have more time for yourself on a daily basis. Either way, that should help relieve some of your stress.
The real question here is, why do you think people are distressed by your vacation? Where are you planning to go by yourself? Is it somewhere you’d only enjoy with kids, like Disneyland? Is it somewhere romantic you should be with a spouse, or perhaps a lover, like Paris or Aruba? Is it somewhere with a checkered reputation, like Bangkok? Or is it just somewhere it might not be safe for a woman traveling alone, like Saudi Arabia? Maybe it’s your choice of location people are responding to, and not necessarily your selfishness.

Q. I am an adjunct professor at a local private university. I’m not terribly proud of this, but a couple of years ago, I slept with a former student. It seemed ethically fine, and it was the only time I have ever done such a thing. He was a graduate student who was a mature mid-twenties, was not enrolled in my course for credit, was not in the program for which I am an instructor, and was only taking that one class while on an exchange program, immediately to be followed by his return to his country of origin many thousands of miles away. Additionally, I did not so much as consent to coffee with him until after the final grades for the course had already been submitted. Everything seemed to me to be ethically quite in order, and when the opportunity arose to act on my attraction to him, I took it without any serious reservations.
After I slept with him, though, I was actually looking forward to his leaving the country, because quite frankly, he wasn’t anywhere near as good as my fantasies would have suggested. Indeed, he was, for lack of a better term, a somewhat disappointing lay. Nevertheless, we said a cheerful goodbye. I really never expected to see him again, or even more than perhaps the occasional polite email. That is, I just wasn’t that into him.
Shortly after his return to his native country, he asked me for a recommendation to a graduate program at the university where I was teaching. That was the first ethical wrinkle. Would he move back here? Would he be in another of my courses at some point? Would he expect to hook up? Ultimately, I wrote the recommendation, because, although he was a B or B-minus lover, he was an A student, and that’s what the recommendation should have been about—not about his performance in bed. (I mean, what would that recommendation look like? “So-and-so is an excellent writer and analyst, but merely a mediocre lover?”) I again worked my way through doing what I thought was the right thing under the circumstances, and figured that would be the end of it.
Recently, though, he has been back in touch, emailing me for more recommendations and sending me friend invitations on Facebook and other social networking sites. Does he think that one night of fairly conventional passion entitles him to endless use of my time, resources, connections, and goodwill? I’ve been ignoring his requests, hoping he will just get the hint, but so far, it’s not working. Any suggestions for me? Other than never sleeping with another former student, of course, which, I assure you, I certainly will not.

A. Is there some reason why you can’t simply tell this one-night wonder that his performance doesn’t warrant more than a single recommendation and the occasional polite email? You certainly don’t have any obligation to him, and it sounds like, if he was attempting to have some sort of power over you by the means of his sexual prowess, he fell rather short of the mark, so to speak. It also doesn’t seem like the risk of exposure of your tryst is anything you’re concerned about professionally, so even if he were to make that threat, it’s hardly a potent one. (Only you can say whether that is really a pattern.)
Why put any energy at all into trying to spare feelings neither of you has? If you were hoping to continue the affair, I could understand it, but since you are so careful to present this as rather a one-time thing between two adults, why are you treating his attempts at contact any differently than you would with anyone else you didn’t give a second date? I guess you have to ask yourself why it bothers you. Could it be that you really do harbor some feelings for him? It seems like you are either not in touch with your feelings, or you’re something of a doormat. You should choose one of those things and work on it.

Q. I admit it: I can be a chatty sleeper. I’ve been known to wake bedmates in the past because of talking in my sleep. I’m afraid that when I talk, though, I might be revealing things I’m feeling guilty about and conflicted about. For example, I have a crush on someone at work, and I’m concerned that I’ll talk about him in my sleep and essentially be confessing it to my husband while I’m unconscious. I don’t intend to do anything about this crush, and I’m sure it will pass (my crushes always do), but my husband is as jealous as I am likely to talk in my sleep. Is there a way to keep from talking about this in my sleep at least, or something preemptive I can do with my husband to keep him from being suspicious or jealous in case I do?

A. I don’t really know enough about your condition to be able to suggest very much to you, and you might want to consult a medical professional about the specifics of it. My understanding is that people who walk and talk in their sleep simply don’t manufacture quite enough of the “paralysis” chemical in their brains that would otherwise keep them still and relatively quiet while sleeping. Sometimes these chemical levels fluctuate due to stress or dramatic changes in lifestyle, and sometimes they are simply consistently low. Your doctor will probably tell you to get on a more even keel with your routine, and he or she may have some dietary, supplemental, or medicinal solutions for you to try.
If you do not wish to visit your doctor for advice for any number of reasons (the expense, the waiting, the ancient magazines, the rude nurse, the never remembering you even if you’re there every week for a shot…) One possibility is to be sure your sleep is deeper. You might consider an over-the-counter sleep aid, for example, or simply enjoy a few cocktails before bed. That might also help you with any confessions you may make to your husband—or to your crush. Gosh, I always like those solutions that solve more than one problem.

Q. Only a few short weeks ago, I made all these New Year’s resolutions, and I’ve already blown them all. I resolved to lose weight, but things got so busy at work after the holidays. I didn’t even get to the supermarket in the second week of January, never mind the farmer’s market or the gym. Just like that, I was back on takeout, fast food, and eating out of the vending machine at work. I had also resolved to save money and get my finances in order, but I haven’t been able to do that, and now that I’m faced with it, I’m not sure I know how. I’ve already cut every expense I possibly can. I had resolved to read more books, too, but I can’t imagine where I’m going to scrounge up some reading time in my busy schedule. It seems like I go through this every year. What’s wrong with me that I can’t keep my resolutions? Or maybe, why do I do this to myself if I can’t follow through?

A. A broken resolution is a broken promise. Do you break a lot of promises to others, or only to yourself? Maybe you need to promise someone else you’re going to do these things in order to make time for them. Or are you simply so unimportant that you’re not worth keeping promises to?
Also, why do you give up on yourself so easily? A few trips to the vending machine do not constitute a yearlong failure. You simply let them for some reason. Fear of success, perhaps? Lack of faith in yourself? Secret junk food addiction you haven’t dealt with? It’s impossible to say without more information about what your deeper problems and flaws are.
One thing is for sure, though: until you think you are worth helping, it is very difficult to help you, or even to feel compassion for your problems. I can just feel how worthless you think you are oozing off the electronic page, and quite frankly, it’s very offputting. Work on that.

Q. I have been dating a man who is separated from his (I thought) soon-to-be ex-wife. Her father recently passed away, though, and apparently, she was very close to him. She is devastated, and my boyfriend has known her for nearly 20 years. He is one of her oldest friends, and she’s been leaning on him a lot. Last night, he told me he feels like he has to go back to her, at least for a little while, to help her through this crisis. I believed we were just waiting for his divorce to be finalized so we could get married—we had been planning a wedding and a whole life together. He was committed to me before this happened. I don’t want to let him go and throw my future out the window. I don’t want to seem callous, either, but she had her shot at him and the relationship didn’t work out. It’s not like her father being alive was the main thing that kept it from working out, either. So not only do I not want to let her ruin my life, but I also want to keep my boyfriend from making a terrible mistake with his. When I tell him how I feel, he just says I’m biased and that I’ll understand in time how hard the decision is for him. What can I do?

A. Well, if you don’t, in fact, understand how hard this decision is for him, why don’t you ask him to explain it to you? If he doesn’t break down crying at some point, he doesn’t really mean it. Then you’ll know that a little more of a firm prod from you could potentially save your relationship.

Q. When we were very young, my wife worked and helped put me through law school. I have always appreciated this. I felt like we both shared in the labor of my success, and in its rewards, too. We have been fortunate to have become quite comfortable. My wife was able to stop working and stay home with the kids, and I was really happy we could afford to do that. They’re grown now, though, and rather than returning to work to help build up a really great cushion for our retirement, my wife wants to pursue an art career. I know art is subjective, but I think her paintings are pretty bad. They’re sort of hung-over Bob Ross motel art. I’ve tried tactfully to let her know that it might be best just to have painting as a hobby, but she thinks that since she supported me all those years ago, I should support her in the career she wants now. I thought she wanted to be a homemaker and has had a wonderful career, but now she’s saying she was pretty unfulfilled all those years, and now it’s her turn. Why didn’t she say anything about it before now? Do I just go along with it and let her fail? Do I tell her painting career isn’t going to work out and try to get her interested in something else? Do I simply insist that she go back to work? I’m not sure what to do, and I’m afraid if I do the wrong thing, it might wreck our 30-year marriage.

A. Well, it’s no wonder someone who has so much trouble expressing herself would feel motivated to some sort of creative pursuit, and not surprising that she is no better at that than she is at speaking her mind, even given a 30-year-long opportunity. She probably has some sort of addiction or some other seedy outlets you don’t know about that she has perfected. It might make sense to find out what those are.
Do you know, for example, where she goes and what she does while you’re at work at your firm? She’s not driving the kids to soccer practice anymore, that’s for sure. What does she do with all her extra time? Perhaps her hasty art is merely a cover for a secret job as a meth lab tech, or for her severe cutting problem, or an addiction to hard-core scatological porn, just to make it look like she’s spending her time in the more wholesome pursuit of making bad art. Indeed, she may be amused that she’s putting one over on you.
You need to find out right away what is really going on. Consider hiring a private detective, or taking a few personal days and tracking her movements yourself in a rented car, so as not to arouse her suspicions. Once you’ve identified the behavior, you can encourage her to get help, or at least to stop self-medicating with terrible art.

Q. My cousin from Europe recently visited my family and me. My father emigrated to the U.S. while his stayed in the town where they were born. Anyway, my cousin really, well, reeks. I’m not saying anything about European hygiene, here—I am quite sure it’s him specifically. The smell was almost overpowering in our small house, but I had no idea how to handle it. I tried giving him a nice gift basket of soaps and toiletries and things, but he just laughed and said, “I guess you think Europeans smell!” I couldn’t say, “No, it’s just you,” but I am also occasionally coughing because of the stench. He’s still staying with us for at least a few more weeks. What can I possibly do here?

A. First, listener, are you sure this is really your cousin’s problem? Could it be that you are simply unaccustomed to the more natural environment in which our European friends and family live, and that you, in fact, reek of soap and perfumes to them? That is, could it be you who smells? You need to be honest with yourself more often, and this is a good opportunity to learn to do that.
Here, I just have to ask myself just when honesty went so very out of fashion. Also, if you can’t be honest with your family, with whom can you be? Please, listener, assess your relationship to your family, to your cousin, and most importantly, to yourself.

Q. My wife has a “girls’ night out” pretty much every week. She and four of her friends go out, usually to a bar near one of their apartments, and “unwind.” I used to feel a little jealous that she seemed to need to get away from me to relax. Then recently, my wife suggested that, rather than staying home and “sulking” (as she put it), I go hang out with my friends that night. I tried that, and I found it really enjoyable. Some of my friends and I played some penny-ante poker a couple of weeks ago, and last week we went out to a sports bar and watched the game. This week, though, my wife isn’t going out with her friends, due to most of them having family obligations or being out of town. She wants me to stay home, too, or she wants to try to tag along on my night out. I don’t see why I should agree to either one. She never stayed home just because I didn’t have any plans. I never tried to tag along on her “girls’ night out.” My pettier side wants her to experience what it’s like to sit home while her partner is out having fun without her, but I also just want to see my friends and don’t want to disappoint them. Am I out of line here?

A. It sounds like you and your wife share similar insecurities, or that neither of you can stand to be alone. Having similar neuroses can sometimes be really great for a relationship: it helps you sympathize with each other and share interests. It can also be dangerous, though, because if those neuroses are not compatible, the relationship becomes very difficult.
Perhaps the trouble here is exacerbated by the fact that your wife thinks that what you’re doing is more fun than staying home would be for her. One idea would be to allow her to tag along, and then do the most tedious, annoying things possible with your friends so she will never, ever want to come with you again. For example, which of you has the smelliest basement? Could you sit around there drinking cheap beer and doing little else? What about a strip club or watching porn? A little imagination here can go a long way toward resolving your marital differences.

Q. I am engaged to a man I really love. Everything about our relationship has been like a fairy tale, from our first date to the proposal to our plans for our life after our wedding. The only problem we seem to have is that he says I don’t make enough money. To be fair, he’s right that I don’t make a lot. Since I dropped out college several years ago, I’ve been working in retail. It’s not so easy to move up, even if you’re experienced. Still, if I’m going to make more money and I can’t afford to go back to school (and I don’t think I want to anyway—I’d had enough years ago), it seems to me that the only way is just to hang in there and work hard to get promoted to a management job, where my income will be better. My finance keeps suggesting different jobs that I can’t get hired for without a degree. Those suggestions have gotten a lot more forceful over the last few months, and now we’re starting to fight about it. I don’t know that this is a problem I can fix, and even if I can, I can’t fix it quickly. What can I do, and what do I do in the meantime? I don’t want to ruin this relationship.

A. I’m not sure I understand, listener, what it is about this relationship that makes you think it’s like a fairy tale. After all, Prince Charming never cared about the soon-to-be princess’ paycheck, and the whole “Cinderella syndrome” is based on fairy tales, where the woman is looking for a male rescuer to swoop in and make her life fabulous. Your relationship comparison simply does not seem apt. He doesn’t want to take care of you; he wants you to pay your own way into the castle on a salary where you can’t do that. If this man can’t accept your career choices as part of who you are, he is clearly not the one for you, regardless of how handsome or charming you may feel he is. (He’s going to become a lot less so if the fights get worse anyway.) I think the more important question is why you want the relationship to continue. You need to figure out whether he’s a prince or a frog, and fast.
My recommendation is a series of tests. Determine what the most important characteristics of a prince are, and test him based on each one. For example, you might observe that a true prince would be able to pick out the right silverware to use at a fancy restaurant and wouldn’t think twice about picking up the check. So go to one, and see what he does. Maybe you feel that a true dashing prince would carry you over mud puddles. Find one and see what he does. If he scores “frog” on more than half the tests, he’s a frog and you should move on in your quest for a real prince.