Q. Only a few short weeks ago, I made all these New Year’s resolutions, and I’ve already blown them all. I resolved to lose weight, but things got so busy at work after the holidays. I didn’t even get to the supermarket in the second week of January, never mind the farmer’s market or the gym. Just like that, I was back on takeout, fast food, and eating out of the vending machine at work. I had also resolved to save money and get my finances in order, but I haven’t been able to do that, and now that I’m faced with it, I’m not sure I know how. I’ve already cut every expense I possibly can. I had resolved to read more books, too, but I can’t imagine where I’m going to scrounge up some reading time in my busy schedule. It seems like I go through this every year. What’s wrong with me that I can’t keep my resolutions? Or maybe, why do I do this to myself if I can’t follow through?
A. A broken resolution is a broken promise. Do you break a lot of promises to others, or only to yourself? Maybe you need to promise someone else you’re going to do these things in order to make time for them. Or are you simply so unimportant that you’re not worth keeping promises to?
Also, why do you give up on yourself so easily? A few trips to the vending machine do not constitute a yearlong failure. You simply let them for some reason. Fear of success, perhaps? Lack of faith in yourself? Secret junk food addiction you haven’t dealt with? It’s impossible to say without more information about what your deeper problems and flaws are.
One thing is for sure, though: until you think you are worth helping, it is very difficult to help you, or even to feel compassion for your problems. I can just feel how worthless you think you are oozing off the electronic page, and quite frankly, it’s very offputting. Work on that.
Q. I have been dating a man who is separated from his (I thought) soon-to-be ex-wife. Her father recently passed away, though, and apparently, she was very close to him. She is devastated, and my boyfriend has known her for nearly 20 years. He is one of her oldest friends, and she’s been leaning on him a lot. Last night, he told me he feels like he has to go back to her, at least for a little while, to help her through this crisis. I believed we were just waiting for his divorce to be finalized so we could get married—we had been planning a wedding and a whole life together. He was committed to me before this happened. I don’t want to let him go and throw my future out the window. I don’t want to seem callous, either, but she had her shot at him and the relationship didn’t work out. It’s not like her father being alive was the main thing that kept it from working out, either. So not only do I not want to let her ruin my life, but I also want to keep my boyfriend from making a terrible mistake with his. When I tell him how I feel, he just says I’m biased and that I’ll understand in time how hard the decision is for him. What can I do?
A. Well, if you don’t, in fact, understand how hard this decision is for him, why don’t you ask him to explain it to you? If he doesn’t break down crying at some point, he doesn’t really mean it. Then you’ll know that a little more of a firm prod from you could potentially save your relationship.
Q. When we were very young, my wife worked and helped put me through law school. I have always appreciated this. I felt like we both shared in the labor of my success, and in its rewards, too. We have been fortunate to have become quite comfortable. My wife was able to stop working and stay home with the kids, and I was really happy we could afford to do that. They’re grown now, though, and rather than returning to work to help build up a really great cushion for our retirement, my wife wants to pursue an art career. I know art is subjective, but I think her paintings are pretty bad. They’re sort of hung-over Bob Ross motel art. I’ve tried tactfully to let her know that it might be best just to have painting as a hobby, but she thinks that since she supported me all those years ago, I should support her in the career she wants now. I thought she wanted to be a homemaker and has had a wonderful career, but now she’s saying she was pretty unfulfilled all those years, and now it’s her turn. Why didn’t she say anything about it before now? Do I just go along with it and let her fail? Do I tell her painting career isn’t going to work out and try to get her interested in something else? Do I simply insist that she go back to work? I’m not sure what to do, and I’m afraid if I do the wrong thing, it might wreck our 30-year marriage.
A. Well, it’s no wonder someone who has so much trouble expressing herself would feel motivated to some sort of creative pursuit, and not surprising that she is no better at that than she is at speaking her mind, even given a 30-year-long opportunity. She probably has some sort of addiction or some other seedy outlets you don’t know about that she has perfected. It might make sense to find out what those are.
Do you know, for example, where she goes and what she does while you’re at work at your firm? She’s not driving the kids to soccer practice anymore, that’s for sure. What does she do with all her extra time? Perhaps her hasty art is merely a cover for a secret job as a meth lab tech, or for her severe cutting problem, or an addiction to hard-core scatological porn, just to make it look like she’s spending her time in the more wholesome pursuit of making bad art. Indeed, she may be amused that she’s putting one over on you.
You need to find out right away what is really going on. Consider hiring a private detective, or taking a few personal days and tracking her movements yourself in a rented car, so as not to arouse her suspicions. Once you’ve identified the behavior, you can encourage her to get help, or at least to stop self-medicating with terrible art.
