Q. I am an adjunct professor at a local private university. I’m not terribly proud of this, but a couple of years ago, I slept with a former student. It seemed ethically fine, and it was the only time I have ever done such a thing. He was a graduate student who was a mature mid-twenties, was not enrolled in my course for credit, was not in the program for which I am an instructor, and was only taking that one class while on an exchange program, immediately to be followed by his return to his country of origin many thousands of miles away. Additionally, I did not so much as consent to coffee with him until after the final grades for the course had already been submitted. Everything seemed to me to be ethically quite in order, and when the opportunity arose to act on my attraction to him, I took it without any serious reservations.
After I slept with him, though, I was actually looking forward to his leaving the country, because quite frankly, he wasn’t anywhere near as good as my fantasies would have suggested. Indeed, he was, for lack of a better term, a somewhat disappointing lay. Nevertheless, we said a cheerful goodbye. I really never expected to see him again, or even more than perhaps the occasional polite email. That is, I just wasn’t that into him.
Shortly after his return to his native country, he asked me for a recommendation to a graduate program at the university where I was teaching. That was the first ethical wrinkle. Would he move back here? Would he be in another of my courses at some point? Would he expect to hook up? Ultimately, I wrote the recommendation, because, although he was a B or B-minus lover, he was an A student, and that’s what the recommendation should have been about—not about his performance in bed. (I mean, what would that recommendation look like? “So-and-so is an excellent writer and analyst, but merely a mediocre lover?”) I again worked my way through doing what I thought was the right thing under the circumstances, and figured that would be the end of it.
Recently, though, he has been back in touch, emailing me for more recommendations and sending me friend invitations on Facebook and other social networking sites. Does he think that one night of fairly conventional passion entitles him to endless use of my time, resources, connections, and goodwill? I’ve been ignoring his requests, hoping he will just get the hint, but so far, it’s not working. Any suggestions for me? Other than never sleeping with another former student, of course, which, I assure you, I certainly will not.
A. Is there some reason why you can’t simply tell this one-night wonder that his performance doesn’t warrant more than a single recommendation and the occasional polite email? You certainly don’t have any obligation to him, and it sounds like, if he was attempting to have some sort of power over you by the means of his sexual prowess, he fell rather short of the mark, so to speak. It also doesn’t seem like the risk of exposure of your tryst is anything you’re concerned about professionally, so even if he were to make that threat, it’s hardly a potent one. (Only you can say whether that is really a pattern.)
Why put any energy at all into trying to spare feelings neither of you has? If you were hoping to continue the affair, I could understand it, but since you are so careful to present this as rather a one-time thing between two adults, why are you treating his attempts at contact any differently than you would with anyone else you didn’t give a second date? I guess you have to ask yourself why it bothers you. Could it be that you really do harbor some feelings for him? It seems like you are either not in touch with your feelings, or you’re something of a doormat. You should choose one of those things and work on it.
Q. I admit it: I can be a chatty sleeper. I’ve been known to wake bedmates in the past because of talking in my sleep. I’m afraid that when I talk, though, I might be revealing things I’m feeling guilty about and conflicted about. For example, I have a crush on someone at work, and I’m concerned that I’ll talk about him in my sleep and essentially be confessing it to my husband while I’m unconscious. I don’t intend to do anything about this crush, and I’m sure it will pass (my crushes always do), but my husband is as jealous as I am likely to talk in my sleep. Is there a way to keep from talking about this in my sleep at least, or something preemptive I can do with my husband to keep him from being suspicious or jealous in case I do?
A. I don’t really know enough about your condition to be able to suggest very much to you, and you might want to consult a medical professional about the specifics of it. My understanding is that people who walk and talk in their sleep simply don’t manufacture quite enough of the “paralysis” chemical in their brains that would otherwise keep them still and relatively quiet while sleeping. Sometimes these chemical levels fluctuate due to stress or dramatic changes in lifestyle, and sometimes they are simply consistently low. Your doctor will probably tell you to get on a more even keel with your routine, and he or she may have some dietary, supplemental, or medicinal solutions for you to try.
If you do not wish to visit your doctor for advice for any number of reasons (the expense, the waiting, the ancient magazines, the rude nurse, the never remembering you even if you’re there every week for a shot…) One possibility is to be sure your sleep is deeper. You might consider an over-the-counter sleep aid, for example, or simply enjoy a few cocktails before bed. That might also help you with any confessions you may make to your husband—or to your crush. Gosh, I always like those solutions that solve more than one problem.
