Q. About two years ago, I introduced my brother to a close friend of mine. She quickly became his girlfriend, and they were even engaged briefly, until a few months ago, when they broke up. My brother says she was cheating on him, and a bunch of other stuff that I know isn’t true. My friend has never been like that, and to hear the story as she tells it, my brother was just insanely jealous and accusing, which I know is true. Whatever the issues, though, I don’t feel it’s any of my business, and I don’t really care why they broke up, as long as they’re both happier that way—and that seems to be the case. The thing is, my whole family is furious with me for continuing to see my friend, or even talk to her. They act like I’m some kind of traitor. She has always been a good friend to me, though, and I would be a pretty lousy friend back if I cut her out of my life. I don’t see why I should have to choose between my friend and my family’s irrational behavior. How can I keep being a good friend, and in the meantime, not end up on the wrong end of my family’s wrath along with her?
A. Yes, staying neutral in family matters is often difficult. The thing is, if your family truly cares about you, they won’t force you to make those kinds of choices. Continue doing what you’re doing as it makes you happy, and remind them of that as often as you need to. If they’re trying to make you feel guilty, of course, that is a multiplayer game. You might even entertain yourself with your ingenuity in guilting them, which can also, in turn, distract you from any guilt you might be feeling.
Essentially, you need to rescue yourself from this guilt spiral before your family sucks you too far in. We can learn a lot from nature, and one of the lessons we can learn is that even the most destructive whirlpool is greatly weakened by objects not going with their flow. Debris slows down a whirlpool, as do large objects standing still in them, and running against their currents. The more you do that with your family, the more you will dilute their destructive pull, as well.
Q. I’m worried that my sister may have joined a cult. She has moved into a sort of village community that looks from the outside a bit like a quaint military base. She often won’t take my phone calls, and she sounds really strange on the few occasions where she does speak to me, however briefly. She has completely stopped interacting with the rest of the family and has really let her appearance go. This is very surprising to me, because she was always so appearance-conscious. I shared a room with her growing up, and I don’t think even I saw her without makeup more than a couple of times, and she always wore the nicest clothes. I barely recognize her in the long, shapeless white garment everyone there seems to be wearing. She won’t discuss any practices or beliefs of the community, and she says she can’t leave now, but she won’t say when she might be able to come for a visit.
Needless to say, I am very concerned. She is changing so much, she barely even seems like my sister anymore. I don’t want to cut off ties with her, especially because, if she comes to her senses, I want to be a resource to help her escape and get her life back, whatever she wants it to look like. I am desperately trying to keep in touch with her, but it’s not easy. Do you have any ideas about what I can do? I really want to save her from these crazy people.
A. We always fear what we don’t understand, don’t we? You admit you have no idea what these people believe, or what they do, and you know nothing of their daily lives. Just because your sister has stopped wearing makeup doesn’t mean she is being held prisoner by an evil cult. Maybe she felt trapped by her previous vanity and is liberated there. Maybe she sounds strange to you because she is working through her issues, while you are obsessed with others’ problems and not focusing on your own. Could it be that you’re making your sister a scapegoat for your own lack of self-examination? Or perhaps you’re just an insufferable busybody. Let your sister live her own life, and stop judging her. If she wants to leave, she will. If she doesn’t, it’s not for you to force her. In the meantime, turn your attention to the things that will make you a better person. You can only be responsible for yourself. Having worked on those things will also likely make you a more appealing assistant to your sister should she require one in the future.
Q. My girlfriend has always been environmentally responsible. She gives a percentage of her income to environmental concerns, she doesn’t eat meat or use animal products, she is careful to support businesses that engage in fair trade practices, she of course recycles and buys those twirly lightbulbs, and the list goes on. I respect that, and I support her in those efforts, although I admit I’m not as quite hardcore as she is. As the town we live in has gotten more environmentally conscious, though, it’s as if she has felt the need to get even more hardcore, like she won’t be happy unless she’s perpetually on the fringe. I didn’t give her a hard time when she stopped shaving, or even bathing too regularly, because I love her, and I’d like to think our connection goes beyond surface appearances. Most recently, however, she doesn’t want me to use any of her electricity or other household power, and she wants me to pump any water I use at her house rather than turning on the tap. I have to use candles rather than switching on the light, although the electricity works. She says it’s only for emergencies and she wants to try to stay off the grid as much as possible. She won’t let me use the electric dryer—I can only do a hand wash in the sink there anyway—and instead she wants me to just hang my things up in the bathtub (it rains far too often in the town where we live to make reliably drying clothes on an outdoor clothesline feasible). The dryer is certainly not broken, either. I don’t understand her recent strange behavior. I think she’s going too far, and I’m beginning to feel like it will impact our future together. Should I just suck it up for the sake of keeping her happy, talk her into rejoining the 21st century at least to the point of social logic, or get out of here before it gets any weirder?
A. You know, there are some relationship red flags that suggest when our significant others are passive-aggressively trying to get us to break things off with them. Sure signs include inciting arguments, not following through on promises, being distant, being critical and disrespectful toward their mates, and the like. Some of those things are certainly indicated here. Could it be that your girlfriend wants you to dump her and you are simply refusing? Maybe she doesn’t want to break your heart, but feels it is time for you both to move on, and making you unhappy with her social strangeness is the only way she can think of to accomplish that. Maybe you should have a frank discussion and ask her directly just why she is trying to drive you away with her weirdness. Perhaps you can work it out together. If not, you will likely at least find out that you need to get as far away as possible, as quickly as you can.
