Q. I recently started living with my boyfriend. It’s going pretty well, except for his friend who lives nearby. He comes over unannounced all the time, and once he gets into our apartment, he just won’t leave. I’m not even sure if he has a job. He’ll order pizza and expect us to pay for it because it’s our place, clip his nails and leave them in a little pile on the coffee table, and even when we tell him we’re going to bed at one in the morning, he still doesn’t get the hint that that means he should go. He wants to stick around and watch TV in our apartment while we’re sleeping, I guess. I think it’s pretty creepy.
My boyfriend says his friend is OK, just a little odd, and that it’s no big deal. But I’m a very private person anyway, and this is just so weird. When I’m home alone and he comes over, I just don’t open the door and I pretend not to be home, but my boyfriend is always glad to see him, even if he knows it’s going to be at least for the next 16 hours or so. I don’t think I can keep going along with it, though. I’m just really uncomfortable with the whole situation. I’m afraid my discomfort is starting to cause some strain on the relationship, and I want to stop that before it’s completely destroyed. How can I do that?

A. I have to say, these are fairly minor issues. I mean, this person isn’t trying to steal your boyfriend away from you and keep him for himself, he’s not disparaging you or your mother, he’s not peeling the paint off the walls with his own personal stench. Rather, this person’s major infraction is simply existing in your space, which he obviously finds pleasant. Have you tried asking him to put his nail clippings in the trash, pay for his own pizza, and go home? It’s possible that if you did that, he would, you know, put his nail clippings in the trash, pay for his own pizza, and go home. Then, if he didn’t, it would be his fault for being a bad guest and a jerk, and not your fault for being a poor hostess and passive-aggressive whiney person. You need to learn how to speak up about things that bother you instead of letting them ruin your relationships. How are people going to know when something bothers you if you talk to random radio lifecoaches about this stuff and don’t just tell the people who are bothering you that they’re bothering you? This really isn’t your boyfriend’s problem, or his friend’s—they’re fine—it’s yours. Handle it head-on already.

Q. I am a “junior”—that is, I have the same name as my bipolar father. That has been part of our roller-coaster ride of a relationship my whole life. When things are going well between us (usually when he’s taking medication and receiving therapy) I don’t mind a bit. Other times, when things aren’t going so well, I feel like I want to have my name legally changed so as not to be associated with him.
Most recently, my father used our name, but my social security number to get a credit card. I only found out about it because he had run up a bill of over $15,000 and stopped making payments, so the credit card company came after me. He pretty much destroyed my credit after destroying his own so badly he felt the need to help himself to mine.
Now I’m not sure what to do. Is what he did a crime, since we have the same name and we’re related? Is it identity theft or credit card fraud or something? Should I turn him in, or should I not do anything because of what it might do to my family?

A. Yes, what he did is a crime, and it could be considered both credit card fraud and identity theft. If you would just take a cue from Eastern spiritual philosophies and learn to look at your problems a little differently, though, you might learn to see them as being opportunities.
For example, your father’s behavior has intermittently been bothering you more or less your whole life. Now you finally have a valuable way to instruct his behavior. Collect all the evidence of your father’s criminal act in a folder so it’s ready to go. Offer him guidance about his behavior. If he takes your guidance well, wonderful. If he doesn’t, take the folder to the fraud division of your local police station and swear out a complaint. The worst thing that can possibly happen to your family is that your father will get mandatory medication and counseling as part of his sentencing, and that helps everybody. It’s also pretty much a win-win for you.

Q. I have been happily married for 15 years now, with 3 beautiful children. I also work, manage the kids’ after-school activities, deal with keeping the house clean and the family fed, and am active in various clubs and organizations, not to mention assisting in the care of my elderly mother. The upshot is, I’m really busy. Sometimes I feel like everybody wants a piece of me and there just aren’t enough pieces to go around.
Usually, we take a two-week family vacation every year. This has been an especially stressful year for me, though, and I really want to take just one of those two weeks’ vacation just by myself. My husband and other adults I’ve talked to seem to think that’s a strange thing to do, and potentially hostile to my family, but I would really like some me-time away from EVERYTHING so I can recharge my batteries a bit. Is it weird to take a vacation alone? Is there any way I can pull this off?

A. It sounds like all your problems stem from one thing: not being able to say no. At some point, you really have to stop being a doormat for everyone and start telling people that you have enough on your plate already. Why not start with asserting yourself about this? If your family or others give you a hard time about the idea of taking a vacation alone, let them do for themselves whatever you’ve been doing for them so you can have more time for yourself on a daily basis. Either way, that should help relieve some of your stress.
The real question here is, why do you think people are distressed by your vacation? Where are you planning to go by yourself? Is it somewhere you’d only enjoy with kids, like Disneyland? Is it somewhere romantic you should be with a spouse, or perhaps a lover, like Paris or Aruba? Is it somewhere with a checkered reputation, like Bangkok? Or is it just somewhere it might not be safe for a woman traveling alone, like Saudi Arabia? Maybe it’s your choice of location people are responding to, and not necessarily your selfishness.