Q. I wasn’t raised in a wealthy household, but I was raised to have habitually good manners, including putting my napkin on my lap when I eat. My new girlfriend was teasing me recently about putting my napkin on my lap at a local fast food place. She said it was cute how I do that, like I’m always at a fancy restaurant. I hadn’t noticed it before, but she pretty much only puts her napkin on her lap in fancy restaurants, and otherwise, just leaves it on the table and uses it intermittently from there. It is my understanding that it’s good manners to place one’s napkin on one’s lap regardless of the nature of the venue. I don’t want to make an issue out of it, because it’s not that important. I am puzzled, though. Was I just taught something that’s totally over the top with regard to etiquette, or is putting your napkin on your lap always simply good manners?
A. Oh goody: you know how I love the etiquette questions, and there are really two of them here, so thanks! First, yes, it is customary and proper to place one’s napkin on one’s lap, even if it is made out of the same paper as the person’s hat who served you. More importantly, though, let’s not forget what the essence of good etiquette is: making others comfortable. So it is the essence of good manners that, if your guest drinks his fingerbowl and then looks around the table nervously to see if he did the right thing because he’s never seen a fingerbowl in his life and thinks it’s weak soup or a disappointing olive-less cocktail, you by-God drink yours, too.
The key to your specific question is your girlfriend’s comfort level. If he’s not uncomfortable with your putting your napkin on your lap all the time, there’s no reason not to do it—just don’t correct him if he doesn’t do it, because it is always considered gauche to make your dining companion feel like a rube. Another approach would of course be to insist he take you to fancy restaurants more or less exclusively, where this issue presumably won’t come up.
Q. Last week, while I was at a local hotel, and I saw my mother coming out of a room in the arms of a much younger man—a man who was very obviously not my father. I think she is having an affair with him. I haven’t confronted her to find out for sure, though, because I don’t feel like I’m in a good position to do that. You see, I was also at the hotel with a man other than my husband, and I think my mother probably did see me. [Dr. Meg: My goodness, listener, what are the odds?] I’m also really nervous that she’ll blow the whistle on me or confront me first. What should I do? Should I tell my father, tell my husband, try to stop one or both of the affairs, confront my mother, or just remain silent about the whole thing?
A. Normally, I would say you should do what your conscience tells you is right, but that may not be an option for you. In your case, you may want to consult with your mother rather than confront her, and decide what to do together. If nothing else, perhaps you can get a better rate at the hotel if you book two rooms at a time.
Q. I think my child may be delayed. He is a cheerful toddler, but he barely says anything or attempts to walk on his own. I’ve taken him to the doctor, but the doctor says he’s still within the range of normalcy, and that it’s nothing to worry about. He doesn’t want to start conducting tests unless there’s some sort of real problem, but I’m afraid that if we wait that long, it will be too late to deal with whatever problem my son may be developing. Should I change doctors?
A. It sounds like the problem is not with your child, or with your doctor, but with your enduring fretfulness in the face of reasonable reassurance that everything is OK and relatively normal. Yes, you will need to consult another doctor. Not a different one for your child, though—one for yourself—and an M.D. rather than a Ph.D., because you will need to ask for a prescription. To prepare for your first meeting, view as many drug advertisements as possible, and decide which anti-anxiety product is the most appealing you. That way, you’ll have done your homework when it’s time to talk to your new doctor, and you can also ask questions. Doctors always appreciate knowledgeable patients who are up on what is available. Good luck!
