Q. It seems that these days, kids’ parties are getting more complex and expensive all the time. Last year, my seven-year-old’s birthday party was almost as difficult to plan as my wedding. This year, for his eighth birthday, I’m supposed to outdo myself somehow. Part of me wants to just say the heck with it, and have a nice quiet birthday for my kid, with presents, cake, family and friends, maybe some balloons and streamers. Maybe if I take a stand about the outrageousness of ever more expensive theme parties for children, I won’t have to do this anymore, and neither will other parents. Plus, ideally it will keep all our kids from becoming spoiled birthday brats. I’m told that that’s not cool anymore, though, and that my son will be ostracized by his friends if his party isn’t more “awesome” even than last year. Any ideas?

A. Here’s an idea for you. One of the things that’s really big right now with kids’ parties is pirate themes. There’s a lot of room there for the requisite “awesomeness.” You can even stand out from other pirate parties by going for authenticity and using the time for some education. For example, what’s more “awesome” than serving authentic pirate food, like half-rotten (if scurvy-preventing) apples, jerky and heavily salted meats, sushi (or really any raw fresh fish), and the like. Drinks are easily taken care of as well: rum and grog. For once it will be acceptable for you to drink throughout a kids’ party, and they’ll finally be ready for naptime. Tell me that’s not a steamy treat. If that’s still not enough, I would recommend going to some garage sales and pawn shops and the like and finding some cutlasses or swords, or something that could pass for them. They could be part of a game, where whoever ends up with the most loot from the other children wins. A little creativity can go a long way here. If you don’t skimp on that, you can probably get away with skimping on the money and the party planner.

Q. What is the deal with the word, “shall?” I always thought it meant the same thing as “will,” but someone told me the other day that that wasn’t true—that it had different rules. Huh? Can you please clarify this?

A. Sure. These days, a lot of people think “shall” is just a fancier way to say “will,” but that’s not accurate. The person who tried to disillusion you the other day was correct: the main difference between “shall” and “will” is the rules of usage. “Shall” is supposed to be used only in the first person: “I shall” and “we shall.” “You,” “he,” “she,” “it,” and “they” are all “will.”

For example:
I shall poke you in the eye until you tell the truth.

But:
They will stick bamboo under your fingernails. We shall watch.

The exception is when there is a moral imperative or some other really forceful statement, in which case, the rule is reversed: “will” is used in the first person and the others are “shall.”

So, “They shall call you tomorrow” is incorrect, but “They shall call you tomorrow or die,” is fine.

However, since these rules of usage are largely forgotten these days, “will” is considered appropriate for all cases. If you’re going to use “shall,” though, at least you now have the rules to use it correctly.

Q. I have a law degree, a nice boyfriend, and a problem. My boyfriend has always been sweet to me, but recently, he’s started making some strange comments about my degree and education, as if at best, I should know everything, and at worst, I’m an insufferable know-it-all. We were out with another couple last week, and someone asked when Mother’s Day was this year. I said I wasn’t sure and started to look it up on the calendar in my purse, and my boyfriend launched into this incredulous sarcastic speech about how surprised he was that I didn’t know off the top of my head. Whenever someone asks a question in casual conversation, he interrupts to say, “You should ask Cheryl. She’s like a human Google.” I’ve started hanging back in conversations, trying not to offer so much without specifically being asked. I thought maybe I was talking more than I realized or making other people uncomfortable. That doesn’t seem to be the case, though—my friends have just been asking if something is wrong.
Now I’m wondering if something really is wrong. My boyfriend didn’t finish college. Do you think maybe he’s sensitive about that (and the fact that I have an advanced degree)? I’ve always thought he was very smart, but could it be bothering him that I have an intellectual job and he doesn’t? If he is having a problem with me in this way, do you think it might blow over, or is this how it’s going to be from here on out? I’ve tried talking to him, but he just says that if I don’t know already, I never will.

A. Oh, do I ever know what this feels like. You work so hard to answer everybody’s questions, no matter how stupid they are. If you can’t answer them, you suck. If you can, you’re some sort of an omniscient busybody. Then, heaven forefend you should have an answer that is not what they want to hear. They’ll go off about how you didn’t respond to their question, and you don’t really have any answers, and that you’re always just making things up. Of course you’re making up answers for them—that’s what giving advice is! Someone asks a question and you make up something to tell them. It’s called caring. When you care enough to come up with advice for someone, and you take the trouble to give it to them, they should really take it, ungrateful jerks! If you didn’t care, you could just give them some canned answer, like, “Hey, keep trying to talk to him.” Like anybody hasn’t heard that a million times before! You can come up with that yourself. Why bother asking anyone for advice at all if that’s all you want?! There is just no winning with some people.