Q. Lately, because of debates about intelligent design and evolution, I’ve been hearing a lot about scientific theories. A very religious friend of mine said evolution was only a theory, and it had yet to be proven. Another friend of mine, who teaches high school science, said gravity was a theory, too, and we are pretty sure about that. I thought I remembered hearing something about gravity being governed by Newton’s Law, though, so I’m very confused. How sure are we about evolution, and what does its status as a theory really mean?

A. You’re right: gravity used to be considered law during the Enlightenment, and it got downgraded to a theory by Einstein—mostly because he was theorizing about things like quantum gravity, and other sneaky ways of getting around Newton’s laws. I wouldn’t worry about falling off the earth, though. You’re unlikely to be affected by those sneaky ways in your everyday life. It’s just that the more we figure out about the universe, the more exceptions we can think of to a given law, and the more we discover we may not know. Consequently, we’ve become a bit more skittish about calling something a law than, say, the scientists of the Enlightenment were. Hence Newton’s law, but Einstein’s calling gravity a theory.
As far as evolution goes, gravity is a reasonable comparison: we are about as sure of it as we are that we probably won’t fall off the earth and go whizzing into space, or smack into Heaven, or whatever.
What makes this debate difficult is that it has absolutely nothing to do with scientific accuracy or proof. It has to do with the nature of faith. You see, the depth of people’s religious faith is often measured in how much they are willing to trust what they are told by their religious leaders. They will consider “sticking to their guns” to be a success—not determining whether or not something can be proven with evidence, objectively replicated and successfully peer reviewed. The more compelling the evidence with which they are presented, the greater the test of their faith, and the greater their victories for ignoring that evidence in favor of believing what they already believe.
With science, on the other hand, a negative result yields useful information, too. A “no” answer to a scientific question is considered valuable, just as a “yes” answer confirming the researcher’s hypothesis is. So if we were to find out that evolution was merely a hoax perpetrated by evil mutant robot scientists like Charles “Birdbeard” Darwin, that would be extremely useful information, and scientific theory would be revised accordingly.

Q. I’ve done something stupid. [Nice. I don’t usually get anyone coming right out and saying it. How refreshing! Anyway, to continue…] I have a friend, another guy, who is OK in small doses, but kinda hard to be around for hours on end, multiple times a week. I used to see him every once in a while when we were on the company softball team, and that was great. He’s also the boss’ son, so being friends with him has been really helpful to my career. A few months ago, though, he moved into my apartment building and he was spending an inordinate amount of time at my place, where I couldn’t get away from him, and it was crazymaking! Sometimes I wished I could just push him out the window. But I’m sure I’d get fired for that, even if I could somehow make it look like he jumped.
Something you said on a broadcast a while back got me thinking. I thought, what if I hit on him? I was sure he wasn’t gay, so I was pretty sure that would make him uncomfortable enough not to be around me so much, at least for a little while. So I did that. That was the stupid thing I did.
It was stupid because he gave me this whole speech about how he wasn’t really gay, but he’d always been a little curious about me and it was really confusing for him, and that’s why he’s been around me so much. In the last week, he has also started buying me expensive gifts, which are nice in themselves, but he actually wants me to be his first gay experience, and now being around him is intolerable! I am NOT gay! Even if I were, I wouldn’t want to have sex with him. I can’t fake it, but I also can’t tell him why I made up that ruse in the first place. I’d lose a friend, access to his season football tickets, and maybe even my job. Although I’m beginning to think that would be a small price to pay if keeping those things meant I had to have sex with him. I hope to God he hasn’t told his father—or anyone else, for that matter—about “us.”
Please, please, PLEASE, I’m begging you, help me out!

A. Well, you have a few things that are really working in your favor here. First, you’re willing to make sacrifices to solve your problem. Too many people have difficult problems but want these easy solutions that require no sacrifice at all. The world doesn’t work that way. So, good for you. You are also ready to admit that you made a mistake, and that kind of confession always takes the burden off a troubled soul, you know? It seems like you may also have a little bit of time—at least a few days or maybe a week or so. You basically have everything you need to get out of this mess.
First, you’ll want to find the birth certificate of someone about your age, who died in childhood. This is easier to do than you might think, because it’s a matter of public record. Next, take that birth certificate to the DMV and get an ID with that person’s name on it and your picture. Also, get that person a Social Security number, because that will be important later.
Next, go to a bank across town and open an account. If you’re close to a state border, even better—go across the border and do it there. It doesn’t have to be at a particularly good bank, or one that gives you a toaster for opening a new account, or even really solvent—it just has to stay open for a few weeks and give you back your money when you ask for it. Once that’s all done, move your money over there, and put any belongings you really care about into storage under the new name, ideally somewhere near the bank.
The next part is the tricky part. If you just disappear, your would-be lover will probably look for you, so you have to make that very unappealing. I would recommend leaving an note behind saying that the mob is after you and you have to disappear for a while, and not to try to contact you. You can also leave behind a suicide note, of course, or try the down-the-manhole exploding car trick I detailed in the December 2007 broadcast. It doesn’t really matter, as long as it offers a compelling reason not to try to follow you: you’re already dead (which, in a way, you will be), following you will bring too much risk on him, you’re crazy… Whatever works. Then, simply head out of town, go to the bank and the storage locker on the way, and start your exciting new life.
This will leave you free to start a new life in the location of your choice, and isn’t that what we all wish we had? A happy side benefit of this plan is that you can leave your debts with your old identity, too, along with old girlfriends and anything else. Enjoy your newfound freedom!
Or you could just tell him you already have a boyfriend.

Q. I was in a very bad car accident about two months ago. Miraculously, I had only minor injuries and was able to walk away, but my car was totaled. Since then, it seems all I can think about his how close I came to being killed, and how fragile life is. When I think about how I’m going to die one day, whether I have another car accident or not, I get so nervous it’s hard to breathe. Some days, I’m afraid to cross the street if I’m not in a big crowd of other people. I think it’s possible I’m afraid of death or dying, but given that death is inevitable, how do I get over my fear?

A. Well, common methods of conquering fears tend to involve confronting them. With a fear of heights, for example, you would start by getting up on something relatively low, like a step or a chair, and looking down, until you felt comfortable doing that. Then, you would move to things like ladders or low roofs. Eventually, by working your way up to confronting the larger fears, you would do away with them entirely.
Since this is a proven method with a good track record, it may very well be the best for confronting your particular fear as well. You may want to start small, by, say, thinking about how you would like to die if you could choose the method, or attending a funeral. Once that sort of thing no longer upsets you, if you live in a state where the County Coroner is an elected official, citizens can often make appointments to visit the coroner’s office and observe what kinds of things happen there. You might spend some time at the morgue, at funeral homes, or at hospitals with poor service ratings.
Since your fear is specifically about your own mortality, though, you will eventually need to face that head-on, or your preoccupation with death may well distract you from living the rest of your life. I would encourage you to try things like rock climbing, skydiving, bungee jumping, and the like. Once you master that kind of thing, you will be ready to face down more direct threats to your life in less controlled environments: finding and confronting bears in the wild, for example, or driving briskly in the Country Buffet parking lot after the Early Bird Special has just ended.
The important thing to remember is that you must confront your fears to get past them. The better you can do that, the more effective this proven therapy will be.

Q. I was recently helping my daughter with her English homework, and I was totally baffled by this one term. Since I know you like grammar questions, I shall ask you. What is a gerund?

A. First of all, nice use of “shall.” Somebody was paying attention to our last broadcast!
Quite simply, a gerund is a verb ending in “-ing” that is being used as a noun. For example, if I were to say, “She is no longer waxing her upper lip or shoulder blades,” “waxing” is just a regular old verb. “She” is the subject of the sentence. However, if I were to say, “Waxing her upper lip takes some of the uncertainty out of calling her ‘ma’am,’” then “waxing” is the subject of the sentence, and it’s also being used as a noun. “Waxing” in this case is a thing, a practice, an idea—and therefore, a gerund.

Q. I am a college student, and I’m in a sorority where a lot of my sisters have tattoos. This year, during Spring Break, we all went to the same resort, and four of them got tattoos, including the only other one of my sisters who didn’t have one before. I know I shouldn’t give in to peer pressure, and that a tattoo is going to be on my body forever, so I shouldn’t listen to people who aren’t going to have to live with my choice. I want to fit in with the rest of the sorority, but I’m not so sure I want a permanent mark on my body that will last the rest of my life. What if I don’t like it anymore in another five years, or twenty, or fifty? Worse, what if it hurts too much and I have to stop in the middle? I don’t want people to think I was too much of a baby to even finish the design.

A. Well, you are certainly right to make this decision carefully. If you feel you really have made a terrible mistake later, though, there is always laser removal (although it can leave a scar), or easier, adding to or changing the design. It is also possible to finish the design when you get up the nerve. The ink isn’t going anywhere.
I would say the larger question here is how to avoid getting a stupid tattoo. I mean, if you are seriously considering permanently marking your body for the acceptance of others, the last thing you want is for that marking to become hideously outdated. You might try selecting a truly classic design that you don’t think will ever go out of style. Those you can pick from the various sheets of paper on the walls of any reputable tattoo parlor: hearts, butterflies, snakes making their way through empty eye sockets, that sort of thing. You might also keep in mind that you may well still have this picture when you’re 50 years old, or 75, or older. Will that tribal armband tattoo you got when you were 20 still be recognizable then—both because people then may not remember those, and will wonder what it is, and because virtually any tattoo you get will end up lower and more melted-looking than it was when you got it? Will you want to wear a sleeveless dress to your son’s wedding, and will your tattoo cause you embarrassment with your new family and friends if you do that?
Therefore, this is my recommendation: consider a skull tattoo. Shave off part or all of your hair, and get your tattoo there. Not only will your sorority sisters and others be impressed with how “hard core” you are, but if you decide you no longer want to show the tattoo, you need only allow your hair to grow back. You can get it cut and styled conservatively, and barring any terrible head injuries or brain surgery, nobody ever need be the wiser. It’s like a little secret of your misspent youth. And these are the things that make us smile when we’re older. This way, you can enjoy yourself both now, and when your friends’ cute belly tattoos of Calvin and Hobbes look like they’ve already been picked up from the comic strip with Silly Putty.