Q. Lately, because of debates about intelligent design and evolution, I’ve been hearing a lot about scientific theories. A very religious friend of mine said evolution was only a theory, and it had yet to be proven. Another friend of mine, who teaches high school science, said gravity was a theory, too, and we are pretty sure about that. I thought I remembered hearing something about gravity being governed by Newton’s Law, though, so I’m very confused. How sure are we about evolution, and what does its status as a theory really mean?
A. You’re right: gravity used to be considered law during the Enlightenment, and it got downgraded to a theory by Einstein—mostly because he was theorizing about things like quantum gravity, and other sneaky ways of getting around Newton’s laws. I wouldn’t worry about falling off the earth, though. You’re unlikely to be affected by those sneaky ways in your everyday life. It’s just that the more we figure out about the universe, the more exceptions we can think of to a given law, and the more we discover we may not know. Consequently, we’ve become a bit more skittish about calling something a law than, say, the scientists of the Enlightenment were. Hence Newton’s law, but Einstein’s calling gravity a theory.
As far as evolution goes, gravity is a reasonable comparison: we are about as sure of it as we are that we probably won’t fall off the earth and go whizzing into space, or smack into Heaven, or whatever.
What makes this debate difficult is that it has absolutely nothing to do with scientific accuracy or proof. It has to do with the nature of faith. You see, the depth of people’s religious faith is often measured in how much they are willing to trust what they are told by their religious leaders. They will consider “sticking to their guns” to be a success—not determining whether or not something can be proven with evidence, objectively replicated and successfully peer reviewed. The more compelling the evidence with which they are presented, the greater the test of their faith, and the greater their victories for ignoring that evidence in favor of believing what they already believe.
With science, on the other hand, a negative result yields useful information, too. A “no” answer to a scientific question is considered valuable, just as a “yes” answer confirming the researcher’s hypothesis is. So if we were to find out that evolution was merely a hoax perpetrated by evil mutant robot scientists like Charles “Birdbeard” Darwin, that would be extremely useful information, and scientific theory would be revised accordingly.
Q. I’ve done something stupid. [Nice. I don’t usually get anyone coming right out and saying it. How refreshing! Anyway, to continue…] I have a friend, another guy, who is OK in small doses, but kinda hard to be around for hours on end, multiple times a week. I used to see him every once in a while when we were on the company softball team, and that was great. He’s also the boss’ son, so being friends with him has been really helpful to my career. A few months ago, though, he moved into my apartment building and he was spending an inordinate amount of time at my place, where I couldn’t get away from him, and it was crazymaking! Sometimes I wished I could just push him out the window. But I’m sure I’d get fired for that, even if I could somehow make it look like he jumped.
Something you said on a broadcast a while back got me thinking. I thought, what if I hit on him? I was sure he wasn’t gay, so I was pretty sure that would make him uncomfortable enough not to be around me so much, at least for a little while. So I did that. That was the stupid thing I did.
It was stupid because he gave me this whole speech about how he wasn’t really gay, but he’d always been a little curious about me and it was really confusing for him, and that’s why he’s been around me so much. In the last week, he has also started buying me expensive gifts, which are nice in themselves, but he actually wants me to be his first gay experience, and now being around him is intolerable! I am NOT gay! Even if I were, I wouldn’t want to have sex with him. I can’t fake it, but I also can’t tell him why I made up that ruse in the first place. I’d lose a friend, access to his season football tickets, and maybe even my job. Although I’m beginning to think that would be a small price to pay if keeping those things meant I had to have sex with him. I hope to God he hasn’t told his father—or anyone else, for that matter—about “us.”
Please, please, PLEASE, I’m begging you, help me out!
A. Well, you have a few things that are really working in your favor here. First, you’re willing to make sacrifices to solve your problem. Too many people have difficult problems but want these easy solutions that require no sacrifice at all. The world doesn’t work that way. So, good for you. You are also ready to admit that you made a mistake, and that kind of confession always takes the burden off a troubled soul, you know? It seems like you may also have a little bit of time—at least a few days or maybe a week or so. You basically have everything you need to get out of this mess.
First, you’ll want to find the birth certificate of someone about your age, who died in childhood. This is easier to do than you might think, because it’s a matter of public record. Next, take that birth certificate to the DMV and get an ID with that person’s name on it and your picture. Also, get that person a Social Security number, because that will be important later.
Next, go to a bank across town and open an account. If you’re close to a state border, even better—go across the border and do it there. It doesn’t have to be at a particularly good bank, or one that gives you a toaster for opening a new account, or even really solvent—it just has to stay open for a few weeks and give you back your money when you ask for it. Once that’s all done, move your money over there, and put any belongings you really care about into storage under the new name, ideally somewhere near the bank.
The next part is the tricky part. If you just disappear, your would-be lover will probably look for you, so you have to make that very unappealing. I would recommend leaving an note behind saying that the mob is after you and you have to disappear for a while, and not to try to contact you. You can also leave behind a suicide note, of course, or try the down-the-manhole exploding car trick I detailed in the December 2007 broadcast. It doesn’t really matter, as long as it offers a compelling reason not to try to follow you: you’re already dead (which, in a way, you will be), following you will bring too much risk on him, you’re crazy… Whatever works. Then, simply head out of town, go to the bank and the storage locker on the way, and start your exciting new life.
This will leave you free to start a new life in the location of your choice, and isn’t that what we all wish we had? A happy side benefit of this plan is that you can leave your debts with your old identity, too, along with old girlfriends and anything else. Enjoy your newfound freedom!
Or you could just tell him you already have a boyfriend.
