Q. I was in a very bad car accident about two months ago. Miraculously, I had only minor injuries and was able to walk away, but my car was totaled. Since then, it seems all I can think about his how close I came to being killed, and how fragile life is. When I think about how I’m going to die one day, whether I have another car accident or not, I get so nervous it’s hard to breathe. Some days, I’m afraid to cross the street if I’m not in a big crowd of other people. I think it’s possible I’m afraid of death or dying, but given that death is inevitable, how do I get over my fear?
A. Well, common methods of conquering fears tend to involve confronting them. With a fear of heights, for example, you would start by getting up on something relatively low, like a step or a chair, and looking down, until you felt comfortable doing that. Then, you would move to things like ladders or low roofs. Eventually, by working your way up to confronting the larger fears, you would do away with them entirely.
Since this is a proven method with a good track record, it may very well be the best for confronting your particular fear as well. You may want to start small, by, say, thinking about how you would like to die if you could choose the method, or attending a funeral. Once that sort of thing no longer upsets you, if you live in a state where the County Coroner is an elected official, citizens can often make appointments to visit the coroner’s office and observe what kinds of things happen there. You might spend some time at the morgue, at funeral homes, or at hospitals with poor service ratings.
Since your fear is specifically about your own mortality, though, you will eventually need to face that head-on, or your preoccupation with death may well distract you from living the rest of your life. I would encourage you to try things like rock climbing, skydiving, bungee jumping, and the like. Once you master that kind of thing, you will be ready to face down more direct threats to your life in less controlled environments: finding and confronting bears in the wild, for example, or driving briskly in the Country Buffet parking lot after the Early Bird Special has just ended.
The important thing to remember is that you must confront your fears to get past them. The better you can do that, the more effective this proven therapy will be.
Q. I was recently helping my daughter with her English homework, and I was totally baffled by this one term. Since I know you like grammar questions, I shall ask you. What is a gerund?
A. First of all, nice use of “shall.” Somebody was paying attention to our last broadcast!
Quite simply, a gerund is a verb ending in “-ing” that is being used as a noun. For example, if I were to say, “She is no longer waxing her upper lip or shoulder blades,” “waxing” is just a regular old verb. “She” is the subject of the sentence. However, if I were to say, “Waxing her upper lip takes some of the uncertainty out of calling her ‘ma’am,’” then “waxing” is the subject of the sentence, and it’s also being used as a noun. “Waxing” in this case is a thing, a practice, an idea—and therefore, a gerund.
Q. I am a college student, and I’m in a sorority where a lot of my sisters have tattoos. This year, during Spring Break, we all went to the same resort, and four of them got tattoos, including the only other one of my sisters who didn’t have one before. I know I shouldn’t give in to peer pressure, and that a tattoo is going to be on my body forever, so I shouldn’t listen to people who aren’t going to have to live with my choice. I want to fit in with the rest of the sorority, but I’m not so sure I want a permanent mark on my body that will last the rest of my life. What if I don’t like it anymore in another five years, or twenty, or fifty? Worse, what if it hurts too much and I have to stop in the middle? I don’t want people to think I was too much of a baby to even finish the design.
A. Well, you are certainly right to make this decision carefully. If you feel you really have made a terrible mistake later, though, there is always laser removal (although it can leave a scar), or easier, adding to or changing the design. It is also possible to finish the design when you get up the nerve. The ink isn’t going anywhere.
I would say the larger question here is how to avoid getting a stupid tattoo. I mean, if you are seriously considering permanently marking your body for the acceptance of others, the last thing you want is for that marking to become hideously outdated. You might try selecting a truly classic design that you don’t think will ever go out of style. Those you can pick from the various sheets of paper on the walls of any reputable tattoo parlor: hearts, butterflies, snakes making their way through empty eye sockets, that sort of thing. You might also keep in mind that you may well still have this picture when you’re 50 years old, or 75, or older. Will that tribal armband tattoo you got when you were 20 still be recognizable then—both because people then may not remember those, and will wonder what it is, and because virtually any tattoo you get will end up lower and more melted-looking than it was when you got it? Will you want to wear a sleeveless dress to your son’s wedding, and will your tattoo cause you embarrassment with your new family and friends if you do that?
Therefore, this is my recommendation: consider a skull tattoo. Shave off part or all of your hair, and get your tattoo there. Not only will your sorority sisters and others be impressed with how “hard core” you are, but if you decide you no longer want to show the tattoo, you need only allow your hair to grow back. You can get it cut and styled conservatively, and barring any terrible head injuries or brain surgery, nobody ever need be the wiser. It’s like a little secret of your misspent youth. And these are the things that make us smile when we’re older. This way, you can enjoy yourself both now, and when your friends’ cute belly tattoos of Calvin and Hobbes look like they’ve already been picked up from the comic strip with Silly Putty.
