Q. One of my colleagues said this one colleague of ours was the smartest of our group, but I know it’s really me what’s the smartest. Do I correct them?
A. My, for the smartest person in the group, you are certainly not taxing your intellect with any knowledge of grammar. Who are these colleagues that, among them, you are the smartest? Toothless, inbred hillbillies? Cigarette-smoking chimps? Communicative algae? In any case, do not, under any circumstances, make a point of sharing your theory of your own intelligence with this colleague. Just rest smugly in your own, uhh, “knowin’.”
Q. I was at a party over the weekend where one of the musicians in the band brought a friend. The friend helped the musician bring in his gear, and then joined the party—early and fully. He got very drunk and proceeded to create a loud disturbance. When asked to leave, he went outside and loudly threatened passers-by with a pair of scissors, and then tried to get back into the party, which, thank goodness, he was prevented from doing. When the musician was informed of his friend’s behavior, he didn’t take any responsibility for him, instead saying something like, “Yeah, I don’t know about that guy.” He didn’t apologize for bringing his friend, who had turned out to be a very bad drunk, or try to get him away from other people, or take any responsibility for having brought him at all.
I thought that the friend was an adult and should be responsible for himself, and that it wasn’t the musician’s fault that his friend was totally inappropriate. Some of the other people at the party, though, thought he should have done a lot more. Who is right?
A. On the one hand, we can all only be responsible for ourselves, and not for other adults. On the other hand, it is just plain rude to bring bad drunks to good parties. I see your point, though: where does the responsibility of the drunk in question end, and the responsibility of bringing the person who ruined the party begin?
I believe your philosophical question can only be answered by knowing if the musician knew his guest would be a terrible drunk or not. If he didn’t, the fault is squarely on the drunk. That is, what did the musician know, and when did he know it? If he did know his friend was a drunken, belligerent spectacle waiting to happen, and he brought him anyway, for any purpose other than fighting him against other belligerent drunks and starting a betting pool on them, he shares a fair chunk of the responsibility.
So my advice to you is this: find out what your musician friend knows about this guy. If he insists on bringing his bad drunk of a friend to subsequent parties, suggest that, in order to retain enough social standing to continue to be invited to such events, he be sure that there is another belligerent drunk and a good “ring” space. Leaving such things to chance is simply not acceptable.
Q. My boyfriend and his mother don’t get along at all, but I really like her. My own mother died when I was young, and I feel like I’ve really connected with this very cool woman. If my boyfriend is having some sort of difficulty with his mother, he always accuses me of taking her side, even if I haven’t said anything about it one way or the other. I kind of think he doesn’t appreciate her, and what a wonderful thing it is to have, not just a mother at all, but such a great one. I guess I think they have a lot of issues to work out together, but that it’s not for me to get involved with their process. I’d like to just stay on both their good sides, not take sides at all, and let them work out their own issues. How can I stay friendly with both of them without being forced into the middle?
A. I certainly empathize with your situation. People are constantly asking me to get in the middle of their problems with other people. At first, it’s flattering that they would think of you to help them, but after a while, you just have to insist on getting paid for it if you’re going to keep doing it.
My suggestion to you is that, whenever either of them starts complaining to you about the other, simply remind them that it is not your place to mediate between them and that you care about both of them. If that doesn’t work, try leaving business cards of good family therapists around both their homes, and producing one whenever those complaints occur. If that still doesn’t work, simply stick your fingers in your ears and shout, “La-la-la-la-laaa! I’m not listening!” While somewhat crude, that should at least get your point across.
