A. It really seems like you are asking a question about something between two other adults. Is that accurate? If it is, recognize that this situation is not your problem—or really, any of your business. Really, what is your standing in this issue? Its outcome doesn’t affect you one iota, one way or the other. It’s like the people who get all upset about same-sex couples getting married. Really, what does it mean for one’s own marriage if two people they’ve never met, but who happen to have the same hoo-hoo, get married? Nothing! It doesn’t impact their marriage AT ALL, just like other people’s marriages don’t affect theirs at all—unless, of course, trouble in both of them leads to some sort of re-coupling, of course, which, how is that NOT an affront to marriage in itself?! Like THOSE people deserve the right to say what everyone else’s marriage should be like, when they’re not even valuing their own marriages enough not to hire male prostitutes and take methamphetamine to get away from those marriages!
But I digress. You should probably ask yourself why you feel the need to be such a… busybody. You might want to stop that. Not only will it make you less irritating to your friends, it will also be more relaxing to you not to waste so much energy on things that aren’t your problem. It’s exhausting, after all.

Q. Like a lot of people, I have had a really tough year. Fortunately for me, I had a friend with a fledgling business who needed someone with my skill set to work part-time. I like her very much, and I am extremely grateful to have the work. However, she doesn’t pay me regularly, and I often go weeks without a check. Never knowing when she is going to pay me makes it difficult to plan and to pay bills, but I don’t feel like I can say anything to her about it because she is giving me work—and paying me—at a time when nobody else would. Is there a way I can ask her to pay me regularly, just for the sake of planning?

A. Well, the first thing to understand is that, with startup businesses, it may not be that your friend is just really busy or forgetful, or that she is not paying you regularly on purpose for some unknown spiteful reason. It may be that she pays you whenever she gets paid—that is, whenever she can—and that that is not so regular yet.
Here is a question for you: do you find this friend at all attractive? If you think you can do it, you might consider seducing her. Many people will pay their employees who are also their lovers before they pay the rest of their staff.

A. My, for the smartest person in the group, you are certainly not taxing your intellect with any knowledge of grammar. Who are these colleagues that, among them, you are the smartest? Toothless, inbred hillbillies? Cigarette-smoking chimps? Communicative algae? In any case, do not, under any circumstances, make a point of sharing your theory of your own intelligence with this colleague. Just rest smugly in your own, uhh, “knowin’.”

Q. I was at a party over the weekend where one of the musicians in the band brought a friend. The friend helped the musician bring in his gear, and then joined the party—early and fully. He got very drunk and proceeded to create a loud disturbance. When asked to leave, he went outside and loudly threatened passers-by with a pair of scissors, and then tried to get back into the party, which, thank goodness, he was prevented from doing. When the musician was informed of his friend’s behavior, he didn’t take any responsibility for him, instead saying something like, “Yeah, I don’t know about that guy.” He didn’t apologize for bringing his friend, who had turned out to be a very bad drunk, or try to get him away from other people, or take any responsibility for having brought him at all.
I thought that the friend was an adult and should be responsible for himself, and that it wasn’t the musician’s fault that his friend was totally inappropriate. Some of the other people at the party, though, thought he should have done a lot more. Who is right?

A. On the one hand, we can all only be responsible for ourselves, and not for other adults. On the other hand, it is just plain rude to bring bad drunks to good parties. I see your point, though: where does the responsibility of the drunk in question end, and the responsibility of bringing the person who ruined the party begin?
I believe your philosophical question can only be answered by knowing if the musician knew his guest would be a terrible drunk or not. If he didn’t, the fault is squarely on the drunk. That is, what did the musician know, and when did he know it? If he did know his friend was a drunken, belligerent spectacle waiting to happen, and he brought him anyway, for any purpose other than fighting him against other belligerent drunks and starting a betting pool on them, he shares a fair chunk of the responsibility.
So my advice to you is this: find out what your musician friend knows about this guy. If he insists on bringing his bad drunk of a friend to subsequent parties, suggest that, in order to retain enough social standing to continue to be invited to such events, he be sure that there is another belligerent drunk and a good “ring” space. Leaving such things to chance is simply not acceptable.

Q. My boyfriend and his mother don’t get along at all, but I really like her. My own mother died when I was young, and I feel like I’ve really connected with this very cool woman. If my boyfriend is having some sort of difficulty with his mother, he always accuses me of taking her side, even if I haven’t said anything about it one way or the other. I kind of think he doesn’t appreciate her, and what a wonderful thing it is to have, not just a mother at all, but such a great one. I guess I think they have a lot of issues to work out together, but that it’s not for me to get involved with their process. I’d like to just stay on both their good sides, not take sides at all, and let them work out their own issues. How can I stay friendly with both of them without being forced into the middle?

A. I certainly empathize with your situation. People are constantly asking me to get in the middle of their problems with other people. At first, it’s flattering that they would think of you to help them, but after a while, you just have to insist on getting paid for it if you’re going to keep doing it.
My suggestion to you is that, whenever either of them starts complaining to you about the other, simply remind them that it is not your place to mediate between them and that you care about both of them. If that doesn’t work, try leaving business cards of good family therapists around both their homes, and producing one whenever those complaints occur. If that still doesn’t work, simply stick your fingers in your ears and shout, “La-la-la-la-laaa! I’m not listening!” While somewhat crude, that should at least get your point across.

A. Well, it is her wedding, after all. You do pretty much have to wear whatever she wants you to, and suck it up and like it. Have you considered, however, that maybe she considers you and/or the rest of her wedding party prettier than she is, or otherwise threatening in some way, and therefore she wants to be sure that nobody looks as good as she does? Have you considered how stressful her position is? Big weddings—especially when they’re first ones—are terribly stressful. Try a little compassion. If that doesn’t work, try slipping a low dose of over-the-counter tranquilizers into her Diet Coke. And if you feel the need to get back at her, just think about the things you’ll make her do for your next wedding. That little trick always works for me.

Q. I am fortunate during the economic downturn in that I managed to keep my job. Now the company I work for is even growing, which is great, but it also means that another level of management has been inserted between myself and my former boss, who I really liked working for. The new manager doesn’t know what he’s doing, micromanages me, takes credit for my good work, then messes it all up and blames me for doing it wrong. I’m afraid he’s getting me in trouble, or perhaps even fired. I just want to go back to the way it was before, where I was working for my great boss. Is there some way I can accomplish that?

A. See, now, this question is just not believable. No organizations are growing enough that they’re hiring whole layers of management. I can’t help you, people, if you don’t tell me the truth.

Q. Last night, I had dinner at my mom’s house, because she was going to introduce me to her new boyfriend. I was excited for her, because she hasn’t been dating much since she and my father divorced, and she seems to really like this guy. She talks about him a lot, and they’re going away for the weekend together. She seems to think they have a real future. Imagine my surprise, then, when he walked in. I recognized him immediately as a guy I took home one night a couple of months ago. He seemed pretty normal, but then he turned out to have some very strange fetishes—he was a little scary, really—and I never called him again. I was horrified to know this was the guy my mom was seeing—never mind the idea that if it works out, this scary, sick freak might be my stepfather! I really want to get him away from my mom, and right away. But if I talk to her about it, I’ll have to reveal how I know what I know. Maybe he hasn’t tried to get her to do bizarre things yet, or for all I know, maybe she doesn’t mind (ewww, I don’t want to think about it), or maybe he doesn’t try to do the weird stuff with people he’s going to see again, but if she’s already talking about spending more time with him, and going out of town, and introducing him to the family, I think she should at least know what she’s getting into. What in the world can I possibly do here?

A. This is indeed a very disturbing problem. If bringing home random kinky strangers is a pattern with you, maybe it’s time to admit that it’s beginning to cause you some problems. That being said, it is one thing to be jealous of someone else’s relationship, but to be jealous of your own mother’s relationship… well, that is just a real red flag. Just because your mother is having success with someone you didn’t click with is no reason to try to sabotage her happiness. If you continue to have these urges, you might consider some intensive professional analysis. Electra complexes can be very difficult for the whole family, and potentially dangerous besides. Best to get it taken care of right away.

A. The first thing you need to figure out is why you’re doing this. Is it because you are “feeding your feelings” somehow? How do you feel right before you eat salty snacks? Anxious? Bored? Sad? Could it be that you are eating rather than dealing with some other problem? If so, that’s an easy problem to fix. Just don’t eat salty snacks when you feel that way.
It’s also possible your problem may be physiological. For example, our bodies need some sodium to function properly—it helps regulate blood pressure, among other things (which is why physicians tend to advise cutting back on salt for people with high blood pressure). An active lifestyle can require more sodium, however, and sodium requirements vary from person to person. Maybe your salt cravings come from a legitimate need for more salt—in which case, you’d be doing the right thing by giving in to them.

Q. I’m concerned about what’s going on with my neighbor across the hall. People seem to be coming and going there at all kinds of crazy hours, and sometimes it smells really terrible over there. My neighbor has been known to be really loud and erratic. I think maybe he’s cooking drugs over there, but I’m afraid to call the police. If I’m wrong, I’m afraid of what he might do. Even if I’m right, I don’t have much faith in the justice system, and I’m afraid he’ll get out and come after me. It seems better just to look the other way.
So on the one hand, I want whatever is going on over there to stop, and if it’s illegal and/or dangerous, I really want it to stop. On the other hand, I’m worried about what will happen if I try to do something about it. I can’t afford to move right now, either, and I like my apartment—I don’t want to leave. What should I do? Call the cops and take my chances? Just shut up and deal, and try to wait him out? Try to make it look like someone else called the cops?

A. It’s nice to get questions from someone who has thought things out so thoroughly beforehand. Is there one of those options that seems particularly good to you? It’s possible that any one of them might work.
Here’s another idea to consider: posing as a potential drug customer and seeing what’s going on in there. You will need to do a few different things for that. You will want to watch the people coming and going over there somewhat closely, so you can capture their clothing styles and mannerisms. If your neighbor has seen you, you will also need some sort of a disguise so as not to be recognized. You may also want to do a little research on the kinds of mannerisms you see from the existing customers, because that will make it easier to figure out how to behave yourself when you try it. Finally, practice a little before you go over there, and be sure you’ve brought it all together. You don’t want to make your neighbor suspicious.
When you’re ready, put on your disguise and go knock on your neighbor’s door. You should be able to get a good look around when he opens it, and see what’s happening. It may be necessary to actually buy some drugs to make your disguise seem authentic, but then you’ll also be buying evidence for the police, and you’ll know just what to do when you call them. You’ll be helping the investigation.
Of course, if you find out nothing is going on, or it’s something fairly benign, you haven’t burned that bridge with your neighbor or called the police, and you’re in disguise, so your neighbor shouldn’t even know it was you checking up on him.

Q. I have been out of work for nearly a year now. I’m also separated from my wife, and I seem to be experiencing symptoms of depression. I’ve been trying to find some help, but because I don’t have much in the way of income, it’s not easy. And there’s no way I’d be able to afford medication, even if any doctor I might actually find decided I needed it. Can you, as a member of the wellness industry, give some guidance for how to go about getting help, or something I can try?

A. Sure. One thing that the “medical establishment” doesn’t want you to know is that there are a number of things you can treat with home, over-the-counter, and alternative treatments, inexpensively, and without setting foot in a doctor’s office—and thereby incurring a great deal of expense. In your case, some people swear by St. John’s Wort (which is an herbal supplement), or even goji berries (which are berries), for depression.
Another option is, of course, homeopathic medicine. Watch some really sad movies, for example, or consider ingesting an inexpensive, over-the-counter depressant, like alcohol. If you just consider some alternative forms of treatment, I’m sure you can snap yourself out of it soon.

A. Leaving aside for a moment the question of, “what ‘relationship?’”—it’s been a month, after all—AND the question of whether you should really be in a relationship at all with your dangerous and alarming appetites—you have two things really working in your favor here.
First, as an ER nurse, it is apparent that this woman has seen so much bizarre stuff that she can’t even remember your case specifically. Consider yourself fortunate—anybody else would be unable to forget. Second, if she finds out (that is, if she happens to remember where she first saw you, or while pouring over hospital records, she happens upon your name, or your ex-girlfriend told everybody and she hears it through the grapevine) you can pretend the whole thing was so traumatic you don’t remember her, getting yourself off the hook. This won’t keep her from discovering what is wrong with you, but it should keep her from being angry at you about the deception. For all the talk out there of how communication is so important to relationships, there are certainly some times when keeping your mouth shut is the best idea. This would be one of them.

Q. I am dating my former girlfriend’s mother. Thoughts?

A. Plenty. I’m not a psychic, though—I’m a lifecoach. So if you need advice about it, please write back or call with a more specific question.

Q. My girlfriend and I are both in the theater. We are currently in production on the same play, which is unusual for us. This time, I am one of the “heroes” of the play, and she is directing. It’s nice working on something together, but one thing is really holding me up as an actor. I hate the part she cast me in. I mean, I really hate it. I can’t relate to this guy at all, and I can’t understand why she thought I would be right for it. As a professional, I don’t feel like I can say anything about it, and that I should just suck it up and do my best with it, like any other part. On a personal level, though, it’s still really bothering me. As we go into production, I’m concerned I’m not going to be able to do a good job, and I’m not sure that, if I asked my girlfriend why I got the stupidest part in the whole play, I would like the answer. Still, I can’t seem to let it go. What do I do?

A. You should probably trust that professional instinct and not make a big deal out of this. You got cast, and that’s something to be proud of, whether or not you’re sleeping with the director—especially in these difficult times for the arts. You have a moral obligation to your own career, to the audience, and to the rest of the group, to do the best job you possibly can.
As for letting it go, consider channeling your insecurities and pettiness into your creative force. Maybe your character has seen too much action as a hero and he’s a little bitter. Maybe he lashes out at the other characters. Maybe he drinks a lot and shouts his lines. Sell it as unique interpretation and good acting, and make it “your thing.” You might even get an award for a part you didn’t initially even want.

A. Have you considered that your insight might be right: that you are a fraud? Maybe you really wanted something that you don’t quite have the drive and talent to follow through with. It’s OK—it wouldn’t be the first time, and it doesn’t mean you can’t be successful—lots of untalented people still manage to make it in their chosen fields. If you can’t make it work the way you thought you could, it’s just a matter of considering other strategies.
Consideration 1: In the cold light of day, are you sure you want to go through with this? It’s OK to stop and figure out something else to do with your life rather than racking up student loans whose totals are like another mortgage if you’re not sure it’ll be worth it in the end.
Consideration 2: Most untalented people who manage to be quite successful do it by surrounding themselves with others who are talented and harnessing that. Look at former President George W. Bush. He didn’t even have his own friends to surround himself with—he used his dad’s—and that still worked for him. Do you have friends around you or by association who can help you get where you want to be?
Consideration 3: For some people, success by association is best attained through relationships. Is your department head appealing to you, or better yet, is your dean? Some people would consider this option prostituting yourself, but only the unsuccessful ones, and as I’m sure you know right now, they don’t count.
If you feel like none of these considerations are worth giving serious thought to, perhaps you are not really as dedicated as you suspected. You really do have to put up with some ridiculous things to finish a Ph.D., and there’s no shame in being too proud or too old or too stubborn to do them. Most people who aren’t total masochists can’t. If you decide you are among those who can’t deal with the experience, you can certainly take pride in a certain level of mental health.

Q. This year, I made several New Year’s resolutions that were really important to me, but I’m having a hard time staying on track with them. Do you have any advice?

A. Indeed I do. I had a similar question this time last year. It went like this:
Q. Only a few short weeks ago, I made all these New Year’s resolutions, and I’ve already blown them all. I resolved to lose weight, but things got so busy at work after the holidays. I didn’t even get to the supermarket in the second week of January, never mind the farmer’s market or the gym. Just like that, I was back on takeout, fast food, and eating out of the vending machine at work. I had also resolved to save money and get my finances in order, but I haven’t been able to do that, and now that I’m faced with it, I’m not sure I know how. I’ve already cut every expense I possibly can. I had resolved to read more books, too, but I can’t imagine where I’m going to scrounge up some reading time in my busy schedule. It seems like I go through this every year. What’s wrong with me that I can’t keep my resolutions? Or maybe, why do I do this to myself if I can’t follow through?

Sound familiar? Here’s what I told that listener:

A. A broken resolution is a broken promise. Do you break a lot of promises to others, or only to yourself? Maybe you need to promise someone else you’re going to do these things in order to make time for them. Or are you simply so unimportant that you’re not worth keeping promises to?
Also, why do you give up on yourself so easily? A few trips to the vending machine do not constitute a lifelong, or even yearlong, failure. You simply let them for some reason. Fear of success, perhaps? Lack of faith in yourself? Secret junk food addiction you haven’t dealt with? It’s impossible to say without more information about what your underlying flaws are.
One thing is for sure, though: until you think you are worth helping, it is very difficult to help you, or even to feel compassion for your problems. I can just feel how worthless you think you are oozing off the electronic page, and quite frankly, it’s very offputting. Work on that.

I hope that helps. Happy New Year!

Q. I have some unsightly cellulite on the backs of my legs and buttocks. What can I do about it?

A. This seems like a beauty question, but I would consider it more of a “teachable moment” for etiquette. Do you really want to invite a total stranger to consider something disgusting about such an intimate area? I assure you, my stomach is churning as we speak.
However, since you insist, it should probably be noted that a lot of people have this and the only thing that seems to work is plastic surgery. If that is anathema to you, you may consider a more frightening and less effective program of plenty of hydration and targeted exercise. Some people claim creams work. I don’t know if that’s true, but I can’t imagine how something you rub on the outside of your skin would break up fat on the inside of your body.
[Ad-libbed berating about vanity follows]

A. Sure. Marry him, and hope you can either grow to love him, or that he will die first. Seriously, you really need to make a choice, here, and I can’t make it for you: your comfort, or his feelings. Any validation I could give you would be temporary, whereas the situation you’re living with will continue far beyond that. I can say, though, that you can’t really be responsible for someone else’s feelings, whereas we should all be fully responsible for our own comfort and happiness. I hope that helps.

Q. A friend of mine went to prison and I visited his wife, just to be a good friend. I wound up having an affair with her, and now he’s getting out. He’s not a really big guy, but I’ve seen him take out several guys at a time in bar fights. He’s pretty tough—and that was before nearly two years of prison. His wife and I aren’t seeing each other anymore, and the two of them got divorced while he was in prison. Still, if he knows about the relationship, or if he finds out, I’m pretty concerned about what might happen to her—and to me. What do I do?

A. Leave town. Next question.

Q. I was thinking about buying my wife a new car for Christmas, but I chickened out. We can afford it, but in these difficult economic times, I am aware that many people can’t, and that those people tend to judge those of us who can. My wife’s birthday is coming up this week, though, so I get another chance. Is a new car still a good gift? Should I hold off on my own gift-giving until the economy is a little better, in case it saves my wife some embarrassment?

A. Why is it that imbeciles with money are always the ones who understand economics the least? No, you festering wad of conspicuous consumption, buying cars would help the economy. You see, what makes an economy—any economy—work is the movement of money through it. Not spending what you have keeps it from moving around and keeps the economy weak. The best thing you can do for the economy right now is to spend what you do have—or even give it away. Stop hoarding your wealth already, you sick anti-American freak.

A. Certainly. The original question, from the 2007 holiday season, was this: My neighbors have a rather gaudy display of holiday lights. How do I ask them to tone it down?
And this is the original answer: Yes, I see why this would be a problem. It’s so hard to keep in the holiday spirit when others are trying to ruin it for you. I’m so sorry you’re having this unfortunate experience.
What you’re going to need is two short pieces of wooden dowel, about 4 – 5” long, and a wire cutter.
Go over to your neighbor’s yard and select the most offensive string of lights they have. Cut a 4-foot length of it with the wire cutters. Best if you unplug it first. Wrap each end around one of the dowels, securing it with a good knot or just by wrapping it around a lot, or a staple or brad gun if you have one handy. Watch your hands—safety first!
When you’re ready, have an accomplice—I mean, a friend—ring the doorbell while you go around back and slip unnoticed into the house, because you’ll need to come up behind your neighbor.
While the neighbor is talking to the friend who rang the bell, quickly slip your festive homemade garrote around his neck, wrap it around once, like a scarf, and pull the wooden handles. At this point, you will have your neighbor’s undivided attention, while at the same time expressing your feelings about his decorations. You may now share anything with him you deem appropriate, about his religious beliefs, sense of good taste, fashion sense, general appearance or bodily odor.
Incidentally, the Feast of Epiphany is on January 6. It marks the day the Three Wise Men visited the baby Jesus. Perhaps if you were a bit more accustomed to your own professed faith, you would know that, and maybe even be less offended by your own holiday’s trappings.

Q. My roommate has allergies or something, and frequently coughs without covering his mouth. When he coughs at the dinner table, I feel compelled to cover my food somehow to keep him from getting his gross bodily fluids in it. Then he makes fun of me for covering it while he’s, you know, spewing mucous and saliva on what I’m trying to eat. It seems to me that that’s adding insult to injury—that he should be covering his cough in the first place, and shouldn’t be making fun of me while I’m trying to compensate for his grossness. Is there something I’m missing here, or is he just a major jerk, as I’ve suspected all along?

A. Probably the latter. It’s important to trust your instincts.
As you know, though, I think it’s also important to seize opportunities offered by any difficulties you may be having. You may be aware that there is some consensus that allergies are essentially the effect of antibodies, which normally chase off illnesses, instead attacking things that are relatively benign to the body. Some physicians and other experts believe that having allergies is caused by not being exposed to enough of these non-hazardous materials, so the antibodies don’t know how much stuff out there is benign. Perhaps by introducing some of his potentially hazardous sputum to your environment, your roommate is merely trying to keep you from having the same condition he does. Consider accepting it with gratitude, in that spirit.

Q. I am about ready to get a new car—well, new to me—but it seems like there are SO many choices nowadays in used cars. What kind do you think should I get?

A. That seems like a rather personal choice to me. However, it might be worth noting that, as large SUVs are becoming less fashionable, they are also becoming less expensive. Thousands of Americans traded in their SUVs over the last year or so for smaller cars, which probably means that lots of dealerships have tons of SUVs on hand that they’re interested in selling. You might get a good deal on one of those.

A. It’s not clear to me exactly what you want help with here. Is it your self-professed neurosis about getting sick that you feel is holding you back? Is it a fear of the H1N1 virus (which is no worse than any other flu—it’s just newer), and getting through the next few months until the pandemic will presumably subside somewhat? Or did you want advice about how to be less ungrateful for all you have? It certainly seems to me that anyone who is disappointed in not having sufficient risk factors for serious illness is in need of help, if not a life-changing disaster to help him wake up. Feel free to clarify your question and ask again, or simply to take a trip to some other part of the world where people have real illnesses and actual reasons to worry about their lives.

Q. Like I do every year, I will be hosting the family Thanksgiving gathering at my house. It has been much sadder the last few years, since my mother passed away, but everyone still comes and seems to have a nice time. This year, my father has started dating again, and he wants to bring his new girlfriend to dinner. I for one am not ready for that. I think it is too soon to replace my mother at a family gathering and that this woman is not part of the family. I do want to be welcoming, but it seems to me like we should get to know her a little better first before she joins in as part of the family.
There is an additional problem. My father’s girlfriend is very allergic to dogs, and my father wants me to board my dog elsewhere for the holiday and have my house professionally cleaned of all dog hair and dander. Frankly, I am not willing to do that. For one thing, I don’t have the money and they aren’t willing to pay for it. For another, with hosting the dinner and all, I simply don’t have time to deal with another thing. Most importantly, my dog, who has been with us for eight years now, is much more a part of the family than she is. I don’t think it’s fair to displace him and take him away from his loving family on a holiday (one of his favorite events, when he gets to see everyone and get treats) just for an unwanted and difficult guest.
My father says his girlfriend has no family and doesn’t have anywhere else to go, so he doesn’t want to leave her alone on the holiday. What the rest of the family and I would like is for my father to come along and to keep my dog, but it’s pretty much Thanksgiving with both of them and not my dog, or Thanksgiving with the dog and neither of them. Both options seem unreasonable. What do I do?

A. I’m not certain what the problem is here. You don’t want the guest, and she doesn’t really want to come. She is probably making unreasonable requests just to have an excuse not to be there. It seems to me that everyone should be happy: she doesn’t have to show up, you don’t have to do anything to accommodate her, and the dog can snatch scraps from under your gluttonous diners’ chairs as usual. My advice to you is to stop making a problem out of a solution. It’s supposed to work the other way around.

Q. A dear friend of mine recently proposed marriage to me. We are not in love or in a relationship—in fact, my friend is gay, and a heterosexual relationship between us would be quite impossible. We are very close, though, and we certainly enjoy each other’s company. I’m not sure if he wants to be married for the sake of appearances or his career, or if he just wants to take care of a friend, but at least part of why he proposed was for me to get on his health insurance and live in his gorgeous house, so there are some things that are quite appealing about the offer. I don’t know how I feel about it, though. I always thought I would marry for life—and for love—and raise a family. Is this a good thing to do, or should I stay alone in my tiny apartment, hoping not to get sick or in an accident, waiting for a Mr. Right who may or may not ever show up? If I do marry my friend, what will I tell my family?

A. OK, so far, we’ve seen someone without a clear question and someone without a real problem, and this is a case of someone who knows the answer to her own question. I can’t help but feel that my extensive training as a lifecoach is being squandered on hand-holding.
All right, fine. Look at how you’ve described your dilemma: health, loving friend, beautiful and caring living situation, and security on the one hand; loneliness, cramped living situation, risk of disaster, and uncertainty on the other. How is this not a no-brainer? Tell your family whatever you want.
Now let’s address that larger problem. If you have that hard a time, people, asking questions, identifying problems, and making choices, you really need to hire your own lifecoaches and put them on retainers, rather than just one-off emailing them for free. Please contact me again for rates at dr.meglifecoach@gmail.com. I can guarantee it’s the last time you’ll be emailing me for free.

A. Clearly, you have made a very serious error in judgment. Perhaps in the future, you will consider more carefully actually meeting someone and spending time with him before you make your entire life plan hinge on him. This is exactly why people do that, incidentally: so they don’t end up where you are right now. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t an opportunity to do something good here. The good news is that your ridiculous choices have left you with a sort of blank slate. Where do you want to go? What do you want to do? Where would you like to be in a year, or five? What would you want it to say in your obituary? What would you like to have accomplished? It’s time to make a new plan that’s not based on some remote stranger. Unless what you wish for is to live your life like some sort of consensual mail order bride, that will almost certainly improve your future—and give you something to work toward. Good luck—I’m excited for you!

Q. I suffer from incredibly dry winter skin, and I do mean suffer. My skin soaks up lotions like a sponge, and it still doesn’t help that much. It gets so dry in places that it splits and bleeds, which is gross and embarrassing. I have heard that you have gorgeous skin and appear to be a mere fraction of your actual age. Can you help me?

A. Well, it is true that I appear to be much younger than I am, but I’m not sure how that might help you with gross embarrassment, or anything else, for that matter. I can tell you, though, that often, difficulties with skin dryness have to do with climate, genetics, and diet. If you can’t move to a moister climate (and we are years away from being able to correct the genetic hands we’ve been dealt, if not decades), so it would seem that the best way to do something positive for yourself would be to address your diet. Do you drink enough water? Perhaps more importantly, do you eat enough saturated and animal fats? If not, that may be the place to look. Saturated fats—which are usually solid at room temperature—are often present in meats such as bacon and sausage, and can also be combined with vegetables as lard, to help improve flavor. That’s the best news about this method: it’s a tasty way to reduce your dry skin problem. Try replacing your vegetable oil with palm kernel oil, coconut oil or beef fat; adding versatile bacon to your meals, leaving the skin on your poultry, and replacing your skim milk with whole milk, or where possible, half-and-half or cream. Just as you got used to the “lighter” products that may be contributing to your dry skin problem, you can get used to the more flavorful ones that can help it. Enjoy your new, moist and yummy lifestyle!

Q. I am a chronic wingman for my much more confident friend. He always talks to women in bars and at parties, and claims to be trying to help me while I either chat up his target’s friend or just attest to his good character. The hell of it is that he often makes up stories about who he is, what he does for work, who he knows, and them I’m supposed to back him up and help him to get together with these women, who he will then promptly never call again. Not only do I feel lousy for helping him lie and be a jerk to women, but I’m also jealous that he can get women to take him home. On top of that, I resent him for making me an accomplice while pretending he’s doing me a favor, but I also feel like not helping him would make me a bad friend. I guess all I want is to find someone to stay in with so I don’t have to go out and watch this guy’s sickening performances, wondering how much my helping him is creating problems for these perfectly nice women.

A. Let’s do a sort of visualization exercise, shall we? What would happen if you were in a bar with your so-called friend, and instead of lending him credibility, you took the “target” woman (as you so charmingly called his victims) aside, told her that he was full of it, intended to try to go home with her and never call her again, but that you thought she seemed nice and you’d like to buy her a drink? My guess is that you’d get a fair amount of phone numbers before your friend catches on—at which point, of course, he would stop asking you along rather abruptly. Helping women avoid your friend, though, is a reasonable way to start conversations with them, and it makes you look like a nice guy who’s looking out for them. Maybe you could keep going out with him anyway. If he stopped making his plans known to you, you could even pick out some random guy in the room and claim he’s your miscreant friend. The woman won’t actually want to talk to him, so that may work just fine. Good luck.